Missing You

There are still days, it takes over and I am knocked down unexpectedly by grief. It's like that wave that you don't see coming and next thing you know you are pulled under gasping for air as your face is dragged along the rough ocean floor.

I am some how still surprised every time by the sweeping emotion and how quickly I am back in that hospital bed holding your precious body...it is fresh and just as raw as the moment it first happened. 21 months later and I can recount every hair on your head, every thought that raced through my mind, every tear that was shed, the weight of my heart in my chest, the shape of every little finger. It is an overwhelming mix of sadness and love.

I miss you sweet boy. Not a day goes by I do not think about you. I love you beyond words.

To Let Go of the Pain is not to Let Go of You

I finally understood yesterday that I was equating feeling the constant pain of loosing you as not forgetting you, and if I was to let go of pain I would begin to forget you....and in turn others would forget you.

This isn't true, you are not this overwhelming pain of loss, this massive grieving that has lived so heavy in my heart. You will not slip from my memory because I move forward and embrace life now with your sissy...quite the opposite, she will help keep your memory very much alive.

You do not live in that place of pain, you live in my heart and ahead of me beckoning me back to the world to continue my journey on the road to you.

I will never be ashamed to speak your name, for you are my beautiful 1st born son...you will not be forgotten even if I leave some of that pain behind.

Held in the Light

As a mother I never thought I would be able to be held by my child....I'm supposed to hold them and bring them comfort, right?!

As I listened to the speaker this weekend talking about renewing my mind, she discussed how to erase and replace....take the negative thoughts that keep us chained down and stop them then erase them.....most importantly replace.....she spoke of picturing and feeling the heavenly light and love pour down over you....replacing all the darkness....

Then I could see it, you my Luke, hold your sissy and I in your light and love. I have such a clear image of holding your sister and this radiant white light shower us in warmth.....It is with a calm and love that only God, you and Heaven could provide.....

You can hold us right here on Earth in your love....how lucky am I, that I had this beautiful boy to pour his love over me and his sister her on Earth from above, and be waiting with open arms for us when we return to Heaven.....Wow! Thank you Luke.....thank you.

Because of You...

Because of you my Lukie, my life is so much richer. Though losing you nearly broke me into a tiny million pieces, the blessing that you are keeps me afloat.

Because of you I have 2 of the most wonderful friends that I wouldn't have known otherwise. They are probably 2 of the most beautiful women I've ever known.

Because of you I know the depths of my heart. I might know the pain and heartache, but that also I know pure endless love.

Because of you I know just how precious a heartbeat can be.

Because of you I know everyday I have with you little sister is a blessing and tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Because of you I know that all of nature dances around me sending messages of hope.

Because of you I know that your 2 sweet hands helped paint the rainbows that blaze across the sky sometimes, and the watercolor sunset that I saw tonight.

Because of you I finally understand my sister. She's a loving spirit that's often misunderstood because of all the hurt she's experienced.

Because of you I'm a more compassionate nurse and person, I understand people and the things they do more now. Grief can make you do some crazy things.

Because of you I can look forward because I know you are waiting for me at the finish line.

Because of you I'm a better person.

Thank you.

Mrs. Meyers

I think of you and feel you closer when I smell Mrs. Meyer's Lavendar hand soap. It is a smell of my last days with you....my last days of innocence....my last days of untainted love. It comforts me to smell it....it is not just any lavendar, it must be Mrs. Meyers. Then are times it is too painful to smell, because with that one breath I feel a wave of all that is missing. You, our family, your Papi, the love....you.

Happy Birthday Natalia! Thank you for all the butterflies yesterday :)

And I Reach Back....

What kind of world do we live in that innocent babies die? That they can be ripped from their Mother's loving arms taking the essence of the Mother with them?

It makes not one bit of sense that DS' Mom is having to experience this pain....she is a good Mom, she brought him in, she let us do all the tests, she comforted at home....and he still died.....and he still died.....

....and another Mother falls into the Babyloss blackhole...will she be able to make it out?

If I were an artist I would have a perfect picture to depict how I see other Babyloss Moms, their relationship to other Babyloss Moms and the journey of losing a child. So since my artistic skills are limited to stick figures let me try to paint it with words...

Picture this.... a single file line of Mothers blindly walking one by one up to the edge a monstrously high cliff....they just keep walking forward...they don't see what's coming....they don't even see the Mother in front of them scream as she falls off the edge into the babyloss abyss....

then down they go, free falling into the darkest of places....at the bottom a dense pile of Mothers who fell before them.....some desperately clawing at the opposite side of the ravine trying to get out....some drowning....some lie there motionless....

But somehow, one or two of them finds the route to climb out from the depths...the make it to the top....they gasp for breath the first time since falling....they made it...part of them wants to run as fast as they can away from the ravine leaving all the pain and darkness behind them....

However something makes them stop....and they turn back...they lean over the edge...reach their hand down....and grab onto the Babyloss Mother that fell after them...help them get their footing...help them start their climb....they offer the hand that only another Babyloss Mom can...

Soon the other Mother is at the top leaning back down to grab the next unfortunate Mom that is in the abyss....and so on and so on....

That is the power of one Babyloss Mom to another....I hope that I can be the hand to reach back for DS' Mom when she's ready to start her climb.....because someone turned and reached back for me.

Revelation

I realized last week after your Papi went on and on your birthday week about not being able to accept that we do not know for sure why you died, and how he doesn't understand why there are not definitive answers, that I'm ok with that.....WOW! I'm ok that with that?! Or at least I think I am, haha.

As much as I would like to think knowing why would change things....it doesn't. The facts don't change; you are gone....you shouldn't be gone.....and you are gone....

So I can keep searching for answers that will never be available to me on this earth....I can keep one on searching until I'm in Heaven with you....the one place that holds the answers. But I know it won't matter, because I will be with you again....this time forever....and that's ALL that will matter.