Missing You

There are still days, it takes over and I am knocked down unexpectedly by grief. It's like that wave that you don't see coming and next thing you know you are pulled under gasping for air as your face is dragged along the rough ocean floor.

I am some how still surprised every time by the sweeping emotion and how quickly I am back in that hospital bed holding your precious body...it is fresh and just as raw as the moment it first happened. 21 months later and I can recount every hair on your head, every thought that raced through my mind, every tear that was shed, the weight of my heart in my chest, the shape of every little finger. It is an overwhelming mix of sadness and love.

I miss you sweet boy. Not a day goes by I do not think about you. I love you beyond words.

To Let Go of the Pain is not to Let Go of You

I finally understood yesterday that I was equating feeling the constant pain of loosing you as not forgetting you, and if I was to let go of pain I would begin to forget you....and in turn others would forget you.

This isn't true, you are not this overwhelming pain of loss, this massive grieving that has lived so heavy in my heart. You will not slip from my memory because I move forward and embrace life now with your sissy...quite the opposite, she will help keep your memory very much alive.

You do not live in that place of pain, you live in my heart and ahead of me beckoning me back to the world to continue my journey on the road to you.

I will never be ashamed to speak your name, for you are my beautiful 1st born son...you will not be forgotten even if I leave some of that pain behind.

Held in the Light

As a mother I never thought I would be able to be held by my child....I'm supposed to hold them and bring them comfort, right?!

As I listened to the speaker this weekend talking about renewing my mind, she discussed how to erase and replace....take the negative thoughts that keep us chained down and stop them then erase them.....most importantly replace.....she spoke of picturing and feeling the heavenly light and love pour down over you....replacing all the darkness....

Then I could see it, you my Luke, hold your sissy and I in your light and love. I have such a clear image of holding your sister and this radiant white light shower us in warmth.....It is with a calm and love that only God, you and Heaven could provide.....

You can hold us right here on Earth in your love....how lucky am I, that I had this beautiful boy to pour his love over me and his sister her on Earth from above, and be waiting with open arms for us when we return to Heaven.....Wow! Thank you Luke.....thank you.

Because of You...

Because of you my Lukie, my life is so much richer. Though losing you nearly broke me into a tiny million pieces, the blessing that you are keeps me afloat.

Because of you I have 2 of the most wonderful friends that I wouldn't have known otherwise. They are probably 2 of the most beautiful women I've ever known.

Because of you I know the depths of my heart. I might know the pain and heartache, but that also I know pure endless love.

Because of you I know just how precious a heartbeat can be.

Because of you I know everyday I have with you little sister is a blessing and tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Because of you I know that all of nature dances around me sending messages of hope.

Because of you I know that your 2 sweet hands helped paint the rainbows that blaze across the sky sometimes, and the watercolor sunset that I saw tonight.

Because of you I finally understand my sister. She's a loving spirit that's often misunderstood because of all the hurt she's experienced.

Because of you I'm a more compassionate nurse and person, I understand people and the things they do more now. Grief can make you do some crazy things.

Because of you I can look forward because I know you are waiting for me at the finish line.

Because of you I'm a better person.

Thank you.

Mrs. Meyers

I think of you and feel you closer when I smell Mrs. Meyer's Lavendar hand soap. It is a smell of my last days with you....my last days of innocence....my last days of untainted love. It comforts me to smell it....it is not just any lavendar, it must be Mrs. Meyers. Then are times it is too painful to smell, because with that one breath I feel a wave of all that is missing. You, our family, your Papi, the love....you.

Happy Birthday Natalia! Thank you for all the butterflies yesterday :)

And I Reach Back....

What kind of world do we live in that innocent babies die? That they can be ripped from their Mother's loving arms taking the essence of the Mother with them?

It makes not one bit of sense that DS' Mom is having to experience this pain....she is a good Mom, she brought him in, she let us do all the tests, she comforted at home....and he still died.....and he still died.....

....and another Mother falls into the Babyloss blackhole...will she be able to make it out?

If I were an artist I would have a perfect picture to depict how I see other Babyloss Moms, their relationship to other Babyloss Moms and the journey of losing a child. So since my artistic skills are limited to stick figures let me try to paint it with words...

Picture this.... a single file line of Mothers blindly walking one by one up to the edge a monstrously high cliff....they just keep walking forward...they don't see what's coming....they don't even see the Mother in front of them scream as she falls off the edge into the babyloss abyss....

then down they go, free falling into the darkest of places....at the bottom a dense pile of Mothers who fell before them.....some desperately clawing at the opposite side of the ravine trying to get out....some drowning....some lie there motionless....

But somehow, one or two of them finds the route to climb out from the depths...the make it to the top....they gasp for breath the first time since falling....they made it...part of them wants to run as fast as they can away from the ravine leaving all the pain and darkness behind them....

However something makes them stop....and they turn back...they lean over the edge...reach their hand down....and grab onto the Babyloss Mother that fell after them...help them get their footing...help them start their climb....they offer the hand that only another Babyloss Mom can...

Soon the other Mother is at the top leaning back down to grab the next unfortunate Mom that is in the abyss....and so on and so on....

That is the power of one Babyloss Mom to another....I hope that I can be the hand to reach back for DS' Mom when she's ready to start her climb.....because someone turned and reached back for me.

Revelation

I realized last week after your Papi went on and on your birthday week about not being able to accept that we do not know for sure why you died, and how he doesn't understand why there are not definitive answers, that I'm ok with that.....WOW! I'm ok that with that?! Or at least I think I am, haha.

As much as I would like to think knowing why would change things....it doesn't. The facts don't change; you are gone....you shouldn't be gone.....and you are gone....

So I can keep searching for answers that will never be available to me on this earth....I can keep one on searching until I'm in Heaven with you....the one place that holds the answers. But I know it won't matter, because I will be with you again....this time forever....and that's ALL that will matter.

Happy Birthday

I'm sorry I didn't celebrate you the way you deserved today. There was so much I wanted to do, but didn't. I shouldn't have let all the twisty crap going on with your Dad stop me, but it did....worried about what he thought or did or didn't want to do...pushing him further away.

Maybe next year will be different, maybe I will have guts to do it what I wanted with just me and Babes.....until my boy, Happy 1st Birthday! I hope you are having one awesome party up there!

I hate you July 27th...

I despise the sight of you July 27th. Just the thought of your presence makes me want to puke. I could hear the earth crack in two last year, and this year is not far behind. You continue you to haunt me day after day, so there is a little part of you, 27th, in everyday of my life.

How dare you continue to treat me this way July 27th?! You sit there and act all smug, like arrogant asshole. Full of empty or non existent apologizes, because you are above all this?Or is it that you are truly ashamed of your behavior....that you would have the balls to continue treat me this way, break my heart, and LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE and LIE some more. You are probably so twisted up in your LIES you do not know where the lie ends and the true begins. Was last year not enough.....because it sure feels like too much. Fuck you July 27th.....shove it up your ass! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Yep, that's 27 for ya!!!!

5:22 AM

That was the time, in the pure silence of the mourning, I didn't hear your precious cry, but the quite flapping of angels' wings as they carried you back to Heaven.....

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry I didn't know how to save you
I'm sorry you didn't get to know your Papi
I'm sorry your feet never felt sand between your toes
I'm sorry you never hit your first home run
I'm sorry that there is a tree in our yard in your name instead of you playing
I'm sorry you never got to try to ride Abby like she was a horse
I'm sorry I never got to kiss a boo boo for you
I'm sorry you didn't get to dive into your first birthday cake and to open presents
I'm sorry we didn't get to read books together by nightlight
I'm sorry I never got to sing you made up songs with your name in them
I'm sorry that there are so many things you missed that is impossible to list them
I'm sorry I didn't speak loud enough, push hard enough and trusted my instinct
I'm sorry I broke your heart, your Papi's heart and the hearts of every person that loved you
I'm sorry I didn't get you here safely
I'm sorry I failed you
I'm sorry I didn't know you were dying inside of me
I'm sorry I was too busy to notice
I'm sorry I couldn't hold you an kiss you goodbye as your sweet spirit left your tiny body
I'm sorry you died alone and unnoticed

354 days ago....

You were here with me...kicking, living, waiting to join this world. I think I wonder more today where it all went wrong, what could I have done different even more than day I was told you were gone.

354 days ago I lived in a very different world.....one I miss dearly....one I will never live in again. I lived in a world where ignorance is bliss, where healthy babies don't die, my heart was still in one piece, your Dad still loved me, or so I thought, promises were kept and your Dad was faithful.....that's the world I lived in 354 days ago....

If there was ever a doubt that you were not loved beyond understanding....just look at the aftermath now that you are gone. Nothing but broken shattered pieces with so many jagged edges, I'm not sure they can ever fit together again.

The thing I do love about the world I live in today 354 days later? I can answer that in one word.... our Babes. Thank you so much for sending your sissy down to be here on this Earth. I hope that someday I will be able to hug her here on earth while still feeling you so close by. I think it has been too much for my heart to understand so far. Please don't be distant my baby boy, because my heart longs to feel your near at this time. I will do my best to be open to seeing your magic again and we near your birthday. I love you.....those words are so small for a feeling so big.

Where is it?!

I think someone sucked all the air from the sky.....I can't seem to catch my breath! HELP!!

What if he dies too?

Well Vladi is off on a "sorry its so last minute, but can you go...and by that I mean, you WILL go" work trip this week. Across country of course! I finally figured why I hate for us to be apart ever since Luke died.....At first I thought it was that he got me better than anyone, and understood better than anyone, so that brought me some peace knowing he was near.

Although there is truth in that statement, it dawned on me today, in the middle of Harris Teeter buyng over priced groceries, exactly why I felt that way......

What if he dies too?

What if he dies while we are apart? I can not even wrap my head around be able to process and move on from that. I would rather be together, then the chances are better we will either live together or die together.....

I do not think I could ever make it if he was to die too....I would be utterly and totally alone.

The Well is Dry

I have no more to give....I'm empty....physically....emotionally.....I'm empty. That's not good enough for my Babes.

An Act of Congress....

Yep, an act of congress is what it takes to see the freakin' BBL. We haven't seen her one single time since we knew Babes was on her way. We get to see all of her minions and the BL which all defer to her. It's like she the damn Wizard of Oz......"Don't talk to the man behind the curtain!"

I called a week before our appointment and explained that we have yet to see her, and there were some things we would like to discuss with her directly...and quite frankly just the see person calling all the shots. They say no problem I'll put a note in your chart for your next visit.

And there we were where waiting to see her, having just finished our ultrasound and me having yet another freakin' anixiety attack waiting for the tech in the ultrasound room....so we waited and waiting. 35mins later her comes one of her minions saying she is in a "procedure" otherwise know as lunch, if you ask me, 1pm (45mins from then) if we wanted to wait for her otherwise it was another visit with the pawns.

I am so fucking pissed I could spit nails. We have spent our entire pregnancy trying to convince then our concerns and fears are in late pregnancy and delivery.....HELLO! How many times do we have to remind you that's when Luke died! Look at my fucking history already!!!! But yet they keep talking about inducing me later and later, well fuck I might as well go into labor on my own and roll the fucking dice AGAIN......because that worked soooo well for us last time!

I think I my punch the next minion or BL if they say to me one more fucking time, how the odds are soooooo slim that Babes would die too........Don't tell me that shit. We have lived in the minority.....we ARE the minority...and you are telling me don't worry it, probably won't happen again.....you don't know that....it DOES happen again you shit head! It could happen again, and you telling me that doesn't make me feel better. Luke shouldn't have died and he did......how can I really go along ignorantly thinking that its not going to happen to Babes too. It IS a possiblity.

And what makes me even more angry.....our problem was with labor....and the BBL wants to just get us there and then its Tada! my job is done......HELLO that's really where your job should JUST be starting.....HELP US WHERE WE NEED HELP!!!!!!!!! Why is that so hard for them to understand......oh yeah, that's because no matter how smart any of them are, they haven't had to bring their child home in a box.

One Thing They Don't Tell You

It gets harder, NOT easier with time.....that line is a piece of crap!

Save a Place for Me, I'll be There Soon

Don't be mad at me if i cry.
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday its sinking in,
And I have to say goodbye all over again.

You know, I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
off your shoulders now.
I'm dreaming of the day
When I'm finally there with you.

Save a place for me, Save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But i guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

So you just save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I wanna to live my live just like you did
And make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna to make my home up in the sky just like you did
Oh, but until I get there, until I get there

Just save a place for me, save a place for me
'Cause I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I'll fly away, oh glory
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

Have I told you?

Have I told you lately just how much it sucks to lose your baby? Yeah I know as you can see I haven't from my lack of blog entries lately.

Well it just sucks.....it sucks bigger than sucks....I don't know what's bigger than that, but it is whatever it called. Suck to the infinte power.

BreakEven

I know this song was meant for a woman and man breaking up and some of the lyrics don't fit....up in some strange sense it explains how my hearts feels. My Luke is gone and I know he is OK and is having a wonderful carefree time in Heaven, but here it has left me to try and pick up all the pieces....to make some sense of it all....Can one really expect their heart to heal from this?

And yes, some words have been changed...

I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing
Praying to a god that I don't believe in
'cus I've got time while he's got freedom
'cus when a heart breaks, no it don't break even

His best days are some of my worse
I'm still trying to put him first
I'm wide awake, he's has no trouble sleeping
'Cus when a heart breaks, no it don't break even....even....no

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cus he's moved on and I'm still grieving
'Cus when a heart breaks, no it don't break even...no

What am I going to do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
One still in love when the other one's leaving
I'm falling to pieces
'Cus when a heart breaks, no it don't breaks even

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your wings, and I took the blame
Now I'm trying to make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cus you left me with no love, no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
'Cus I got time while he's got freedom
'Cus when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even, no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
Oh I'm glad you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
Oh I'm glad you're ok, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
One still in love while the other one's leaving
I'm falling to pieces
'Cus when a heart breaks it don't break even, no

Oh it don't break even
Oh it don't break even
Oh it don't break even