The Case of the Unsolved Mystery

So today was the big day. Our appointment with the high-risk antepartum doctor, that I affectionately refer to as The Big Boss Lady (BBL for short). As you can see from my last post I was on a serious kick of velamentous cord insertion....and although everything I wrote was true about it being able to be diagnosed and prevented and such, the pathology report had it listed as a condition to rule out not as the pathologist's findings. So I just had a marginal insertion, which the BBL said is not a cause IUFD and probably had no major impact on the pregnancy.

She did not think further DNA testing was needed since our little man was perfect, we had no family history and my AFP during the pregnancy was negative. I did however get a ton of blood drawn to check for clotting disorders and lupus. BBL thinks these too will be negative since I had not other symptoms of these conditions, but we might as well cover that base.

So, that's it.....we officially live in the percentage of unknown cause. I still believe it had something to do with his cord...it just didn't give him what he needed to make it through labor. Maybe it was his position, maybe he was lying on it someway that was pressed with each contraction. Whatever the cause, it left this world with Luke.

I think I am ok with it, I guess I was thinking if anyone could figure it out it would be the BBL. I knew going in there, no real new information would be stated, but I guess I was holding out that I will still in 8th grade science class and a hypothesis would be made....a comfort diagnosis per say. Kind of like when your mom took you to the Doc as a kid and even though she knew an antibiotic wouldn't help, she still wanted one...she wasn't leaving empty handed. Something is better than nothing right?

I guess the best way I can explain it, is what I think a mom of a murdered child would feel like. Always wondering what happened those last few hours of their child's life. Where they shot, were they strangled....stabbed? Not that it brings their child back, but somehow knowing what happened......I know, I know this is a case of the grass isn't always greener. I know I would find plenty of ammo if we did have a clear reason why to redirect my obsessive thoughts in another direction.

So it sucks, we don't know and never will.....but I know it is time to start to close that chapter of Luke's story. He belongs to the 2 out of 3 stillbirths that remain undiagnosed. I need to accept that to heal. He wants me to accept it! And that day we are reunited it won't even matter one bit, because I will be with my sweet angel boy....and that's all I will need to know.