Leading up to today, I was looking forward to 2010 and welcoming a new year that has to be filled with wonderful blessings right?! It's the year of the water babe's after all!! But here we go again, as I drive home from work I feel myself deflate, and want to go curl up into a ball and act like time is not marching over right over my face....better yet, my heart.
If 2010 is the year of water babe, then that surely makes 2009 the year of Luke.....my Luke. It's just another slap in the face that he isn't here and should be. It's like another vault door being slammed shut making it further and further away.
Why is it so hard to say goodbye to the year that contains the crappiest thing that could have ever happened to me?! Maybe its because in the same time that my world cracked in two, I met the most beautiful creature that ever existed.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Why Should it Surprise Me Anymore?
This twisted road that I am traveling never ceases to amaze me the emotions it brings about. Just when I think I understand or have worked to some acceptance, peace....or whatever you want to call it. BAM! I get slapped in the face with an new emotion, usually one I never thought I would feel, usually something I don't know what to do with, where to put it, work through it, deal with it whatever.
So you would think that since this is the pattern that has quickly been established, that I wouldn't be surprised that I have a sudden change of heart or evolution in feelings (usually to a place I don't want to go). Somehow though, I am taken back each and every time......
Just trying to embrace.....shocked at times, but embracing the best I can.
So you would think that since this is the pattern that has quickly been established, that I wouldn't be surprised that I have a sudden change of heart or evolution in feelings (usually to a place I don't want to go). Somehow though, I am taken back each and every time......
Just trying to embrace.....shocked at times, but embracing the best I can.
Friday, December 18, 2009
I Think This Will be Me Someday.
My name is mary
And i'm from greenville mississippi
Yeah but this is where i live
Here in this old folks' dormitory
And every sunday night
Sarah comes to see us
And she plays that old upright
But sarah always seems to leave us
And when she plays
Something comes over me
Goes from my head
All the way to my feet
And i wanna dance
I wanna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I wanna move around the room just like a woman in a trance
All night
i said i wanna dance
I wanna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I wanna listen to the music that's been ringin' in my ears
'cause one day i'm gonna dance right outta here
I had three girls and a boy
But now one's gone up to heaven
She's with her papa now
'cause he left for lack of penicillin
The older that i get
I figure everyone is dyin'
They're all dyin' for a change
And i know i'm dyin' for some action
But days like these
Sunday seems so far away
So until then i'm gonna sit right here
And here i'll stay
I wanna dance
I wanna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I wanna move around the room just like a woman in a trance
All night
i said i wanna dance
I wanna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I wanna listen to the music that's been ringin' in my ears
'cause one day i'm gonna dance right outta here right outta here
I'd marry you if you could dance
that's what i said
'cause where i'm goin' there'll be dancin' everyday
I'm gonna dance
I'm gonna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I'm gonna move around the room just like a woman in a trance
All night i'm gonna dance
I'm gonna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I'm gonna listen to the music that's been ringin' in my ears
'cause one day i'm gonna dance right outta here
So one day i'm gonna dance right outta here
One day i'm gonna dance right outta here
I'm gonna dance
One day i'm gonna dance right outta here here here
One day i'm gonna dance right outta here
I'm gonna dance
And i'm from greenville mississippi
Yeah but this is where i live
Here in this old folks' dormitory
And every sunday night
Sarah comes to see us
And she plays that old upright
But sarah always seems to leave us
And when she plays
Something comes over me
Goes from my head
All the way to my feet
And i wanna dance
I wanna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I wanna move around the room just like a woman in a trance
All night
i said i wanna dance
I wanna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I wanna listen to the music that's been ringin' in my ears
'cause one day i'm gonna dance right outta here
I had three girls and a boy
But now one's gone up to heaven
She's with her papa now
'cause he left for lack of penicillin
The older that i get
I figure everyone is dyin'
They're all dyin' for a change
And i know i'm dyin' for some action
But days like these
Sunday seems so far away
So until then i'm gonna sit right here
And here i'll stay
I wanna dance
I wanna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I wanna move around the room just like a woman in a trance
All night
i said i wanna dance
I wanna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I wanna listen to the music that's been ringin' in my ears
'cause one day i'm gonna dance right outta here right outta here
I'd marry you if you could dance
that's what i said
'cause where i'm goin' there'll be dancin' everyday
I'm gonna dance
I'm gonna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I'm gonna move around the room just like a woman in a trance
All night i'm gonna dance
I'm gonna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I'm gonna listen to the music that's been ringin' in my ears
'cause one day i'm gonna dance right outta here
So one day i'm gonna dance right outta here
One day i'm gonna dance right outta here
I'm gonna dance
One day i'm gonna dance right outta here here here
One day i'm gonna dance right outta here
I'm gonna dance
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Can You Think a Dream to Reality?
As I gather my things to take to my friend's gold party, I am left looking at the bulk of my childhood possessions in my jewelry box. They survived the fallout from the whirlwind called my father as he sold off or threw away any items he could get his hand on in the final years I had contact with him. The jewelry was one of the lone survivors because in my early 20's world my jewelry box could fit in my car during my one car move out......enter the irony.
I owned jewelry that most young girls shouldn't have, or even really wanted. Crap Christmas and birthday gifts to "make up" for not being through out the year, or even better and more likely....being "too present" when he was around if you know what I mean.
Year after year necklaces, bracelets, rings that didn't even match me or my personality. It only got worse as I got older. How many birthstone anything does one person need. Necklaces started to appear in strange duplicate, just a constant reminder how out of touch he was with our family...and me as his daughter.
So I weeded through the crap keeping my favorite few pieces....the ones Mom obviously picked out, as they were things that I actually liked and enjoyed wearing. Those are my tangible memories I have available to pass along to my children one day......
That bring me to my next thought....if you dream about something enough will it become a reality?
I remember so clearly being in the delivery room with Vladi very soon after we received the horrible news that our Luke had left this world, and saying to Vladi, "We will be here again someday, and we will have a different ending to the story. This will not break us."
So will we? Will be be in that delivery room and hear water babe's heart thumb away on the monitor every second until we hear her (still unofficial) arrive into this world screaming at the top of her soprano lungs?
Can this be our reality?
Will I be able to give her my favorite ring that belonged to my Mom as a child and she let me wear as a child? Will I be able to hand it to her on her wedding day just as my Mom did? "It will bring you luck, " she said. "It was always your favorite."
Are these words I will have the pleasure of speaking to my water babe someday?
I owned jewelry that most young girls shouldn't have, or even really wanted. Crap Christmas and birthday gifts to "make up" for not being through out the year, or even better and more likely....being "too present" when he was around if you know what I mean.
Year after year necklaces, bracelets, rings that didn't even match me or my personality. It only got worse as I got older. How many birthstone anything does one person need. Necklaces started to appear in strange duplicate, just a constant reminder how out of touch he was with our family...and me as his daughter.
So I weeded through the crap keeping my favorite few pieces....the ones Mom obviously picked out, as they were things that I actually liked and enjoyed wearing. Those are my tangible memories I have available to pass along to my children one day......
That bring me to my next thought....if you dream about something enough will it become a reality?
I remember so clearly being in the delivery room with Vladi very soon after we received the horrible news that our Luke had left this world, and saying to Vladi, "We will be here again someday, and we will have a different ending to the story. This will not break us."
So will we? Will be be in that delivery room and hear water babe's heart thumb away on the monitor every second until we hear her (still unofficial) arrive into this world screaming at the top of her soprano lungs?
Can this be our reality?
Will I be able to give her my favorite ring that belonged to my Mom as a child and she let me wear as a child? Will I be able to hand it to her on her wedding day just as my Mom did? "It will bring you luck, " she said. "It was always your favorite."
Are these words I will have the pleasure of speaking to my water babe someday?
Monday, December 14, 2009
I Wish I Was a Telemarketer!
I never thought that comment would ever pass my lips, but at this moment it is oh so true. I wish that I could be a telemarketer for the 6 months....yep that's right, I didn't stutter.
As water babe is starting to make her (this is an unofficial her) presence know to the outside world via my belly that it starting to once again poke its way out, I am not looking forward to being the human spectacle that is being pregnant in a very public job.
A round belly = public prodding verbally and physically.
With Luke it was the comments and questioning that was never ending that nearly pushed me to my edge by the end of my pregnancy with him. Is it really any one's business how many children I have, how far along I am, or how uncomfortable I am? Please don't even get me started on the 562,300+ ways people can say, "Holy shit, you are HUGE!" No I do not have more than one in there....no I am not about to "pop," I have 18 weeks to go....and yes I am sure about that. Yep...yep that's about it. That covers the bulk of all conversations I had from March to July this year.....what can I say Luke showed himself early in the process and I did eat like a linebacker for the majority of the pregnancy.
So here I am again, water babe and I have officially entered into the "Is she fat or pregnant" zone....so most people keep to themselves. You don't want to call a fat girl, pregnant, right?! Hey, maybe the water babe and I can stay right here in is place and they will all leave me alone.....here's to hoping!
I would like to clearly state for the record that at this moment I am not ready to do this part all over again. For starters it was irritating in its own light, but add in the mother of a dead baby and that just sounds like a barrel of fun and laughs if you ask me......
We all know the line of questioning that is on its way...."is this your first?"..."oh well, how old is your son?"......."ooooohhhh I'm soooo sorry" or better yet awkward silence. It is not that I do not want to talk about Luke or even care that some says I'm sorry. I just don't want to have the same conversation 20+ times a day nor do I want to lie about Luke 20+ times a day.
Enter the sudden desire to be a telemarketer. They don't see me, so the questions stop. I don't mind being around co-workers and/or people that know about Luke and are asking questions about water babe or Luke......that doesn't bother me. Its the revisiting the same place over and over again.
So what is a girl to do.....is it too late to ask to work triage the remainder of my pregnancy?!?!
Or maybe I should hold out hope for that some scientist will figure out how to detach water babe and let Vladi carry her around for a while?! Don't you just love how all my hopes are completely based in reality lately?!?!
As water babe is starting to make her (this is an unofficial her) presence know to the outside world via my belly that it starting to once again poke its way out, I am not looking forward to being the human spectacle that is being pregnant in a very public job.
A round belly = public prodding verbally and physically.
With Luke it was the comments and questioning that was never ending that nearly pushed me to my edge by the end of my pregnancy with him. Is it really any one's business how many children I have, how far along I am, or how uncomfortable I am? Please don't even get me started on the 562,300+ ways people can say, "Holy shit, you are HUGE!" No I do not have more than one in there....no I am not about to "pop," I have 18 weeks to go....and yes I am sure about that. Yep...yep that's about it. That covers the bulk of all conversations I had from March to July this year.....what can I say Luke showed himself early in the process and I did eat like a linebacker for the majority of the pregnancy.
So here I am again, water babe and I have officially entered into the "Is she fat or pregnant" zone....so most people keep to themselves. You don't want to call a fat girl, pregnant, right?! Hey, maybe the water babe and I can stay right here in is place and they will all leave me alone.....here's to hoping!
I would like to clearly state for the record that at this moment I am not ready to do this part all over again. For starters it was irritating in its own light, but add in the mother of a dead baby and that just sounds like a barrel of fun and laughs if you ask me......
We all know the line of questioning that is on its way...."is this your first?"..."oh well, how old is your son?"......."ooooohhhh I'm soooo sorry" or better yet awkward silence. It is not that I do not want to talk about Luke or even care that some says I'm sorry. I just don't want to have the same conversation 20+ times a day nor do I want to lie about Luke 20+ times a day.
Enter the sudden desire to be a telemarketer. They don't see me, so the questions stop. I don't mind being around co-workers and/or people that know about Luke and are asking questions about water babe or Luke......that doesn't bother me. Its the revisiting the same place over and over again.
So what is a girl to do.....is it too late to ask to work triage the remainder of my pregnancy?!?!
Or maybe I should hold out hope for that some scientist will figure out how to detach water babe and let Vladi carry her around for a while?! Don't you just love how all my hopes are completely based in reality lately?!?!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
She Said it Better Than Myself....
I know I have not done much writing lately....some quoting of others and an original one liner from me every now and then...but this is what I got for ya right now. This is a paragraph from another angel mama's blog. She lost her son at 33+5.....I think it is a pretty perfect explanation of grieving for me these days.....
"Since Ezra’s passing, I have learned that grief takes us to depths we never before could imagine. With each passing day of this journey, I have discovered that grief is an exercise in the unexpected. One moment I will feel some hope that things might just be ok, only to spiral hopelessly off a cliff of despair. If anything, the more time that passes, the harder it gets, as the reality that Ezra is gone sinks in. Ezra taught me many things in his short life, and he continues to teach me every day. Ezra may not be in my arms, but he is forever in my heart."
"Since Ezra’s passing, I have learned that grief takes us to depths we never before could imagine. With each passing day of this journey, I have discovered that grief is an exercise in the unexpected. One moment I will feel some hope that things might just be ok, only to spiral hopelessly off a cliff of despair. If anything, the more time that passes, the harder it gets, as the reality that Ezra is gone sinks in. Ezra taught me many things in his short life, and he continues to teach me every day. Ezra may not be in my arms, but he is forever in my heart."
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Missing You, My Little Man....
Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
Friday, December 4, 2009
The Abyss
What a dark lonely world it is as a childless mother....my arms ache from the bitter emptiness they feel.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Yep, still here and so is water babe.
I know....I know....It has been too long since my last post, cut me some slack. I think I have felt so many emotions lately that I have had a hard organizing my thoughts let alone putting them down in written form.....ok artistic people I know writing brings clarity hence why I am here. God knows I need some clarity right about now.
Yesterday was 4 months.....4 months. How can one event seem so long ago but so new and raw all at the same time? They have easily been the longest 4 months of my life filled with so much pain but so much magic all rolled into one.
Luke keeps amazing me with his ways he lets me know he is around, and I am so eternally grateful that I do not feel less connected to since water baby has come on the scene. Maybe I should be more concerned about feeling that connection to the babe in my belly.
And yet again, rocky yet uneventful start to this young one life. We've had a few moments where things were in question, and I have quickly been reminded (as if I had forgot) that my whole world is wrapped up by the flashing heartbeat on the ultrasound screen.
So I will try again to write more and embrace the journey...cause it is going on with or without me....so I better get my butt on board.
Yesterday was 4 months.....4 months. How can one event seem so long ago but so new and raw all at the same time? They have easily been the longest 4 months of my life filled with so much pain but so much magic all rolled into one.
Luke keeps amazing me with his ways he lets me know he is around, and I am so eternally grateful that I do not feel less connected to since water baby has come on the scene. Maybe I should be more concerned about feeling that connection to the babe in my belly.
And yet again, rocky yet uneventful start to this young one life. We've had a few moments where things were in question, and I have quickly been reminded (as if I had forgot) that my whole world is wrapped up by the flashing heartbeat on the ultrasound screen.
So I will try again to write more and embrace the journey...cause it is going on with or without me....so I better get my butt on board.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Positive + Positive = Positive....Right?!
For starters, I can't even believe that I am writing this entry....but once again life has proven unpredictable and certainly a little intimidating.
I am the proud owner of two shiny new positive pregnancy tests. Yep, you heard that right.....not one but two. And the REALLY positive kind, you know that is positive way before the 3 mins are up......I was due to start my period on the 11th, and of course didn't. Then it dawned on me today, the signs were there...peeing all the time, feeling wiped out, stomach feeling unsettled....just the same feelings I had with Luke. So I got the tests, took one in the afternoon and one after I told Vladi tonight.
Don't ask me how really....well I know how, but seriously?! One time....one time we've had sex. I know, that's all it takes. I sound like a high school girl. When I say one time, I mean we stopped pretty quickly into things because it was still uncomfortable for me and we didn't have any condoms. Vladi said he didn't, and I don't think he did either (you know what I'm talking about). So I say, Seriously?! WOW, just call me Myrtle.
I think Vladi and I don't even know what to thing or feel....I guess surreal pretty much sums that up. Pretty good description of life in general lately.
I hope Vladi isn't mad at me (I know why would he be, but still worried). This wasn't the jumping up and down with happiness that I think we thought our next positive pregnancy test would bring.
I've got to believe this baby has the same perfect timing in our lives that Luke did no matter how long he/she is with us. I've got to believe that God and Luke had a pow-wow and said, "yep time to send your brother or sister down." I got to believe this is bigger than us as we continue to live in the statistical minority. Hopefully it will be the "good" minority this time.
So I guess a call to the BBL (Big Boss Lady-high risk Doc) and BL (Boss Lady-primary OB) is in order tomorrow. Maybe we just need to see that little flash of a heartbeat on the screen to help us process for now. One step at a time right?!
So here it is......(dates have NOT been altered for increased dramatic reaction)
Luke's b-day: 7/28/09
First and apparently last period: 9/11/09 (yep, I'm extremely regular like that)
Quasi-sex (as I am affectionately calling it): 9/24 or 9/25
Missed period: 10/11/09
My freak out: 10/13/09 12:45pm
Vladi's freak out: 10/13/09 7:30pm
EDD: 6/18/10
I am the proud owner of two shiny new positive pregnancy tests. Yep, you heard that right.....not one but two. And the REALLY positive kind, you know that is positive way before the 3 mins are up......I was due to start my period on the 11th, and of course didn't. Then it dawned on me today, the signs were there...peeing all the time, feeling wiped out, stomach feeling unsettled....just the same feelings I had with Luke. So I got the tests, took one in the afternoon and one after I told Vladi tonight.
Don't ask me how really....well I know how, but seriously?! One time....one time we've had sex. I know, that's all it takes. I sound like a high school girl. When I say one time, I mean we stopped pretty quickly into things because it was still uncomfortable for me and we didn't have any condoms. Vladi said he didn't, and I don't think he did either (you know what I'm talking about). So I say, Seriously?! WOW, just call me Myrtle.
I think Vladi and I don't even know what to thing or feel....I guess surreal pretty much sums that up. Pretty good description of life in general lately.
I hope Vladi isn't mad at me (I know why would he be, but still worried). This wasn't the jumping up and down with happiness that I think we thought our next positive pregnancy test would bring.
I've got to believe this baby has the same perfect timing in our lives that Luke did no matter how long he/she is with us. I've got to believe that God and Luke had a pow-wow and said, "yep time to send your brother or sister down." I got to believe this is bigger than us as we continue to live in the statistical minority. Hopefully it will be the "good" minority this time.
So I guess a call to the BBL (Big Boss Lady-high risk Doc) and BL (Boss Lady-primary OB) is in order tomorrow. Maybe we just need to see that little flash of a heartbeat on the screen to help us process for now. One step at a time right?!
So here it is......(dates have NOT been altered for increased dramatic reaction)
Luke's b-day: 7/28/09
First and apparently last period: 9/11/09 (yep, I'm extremely regular like that)
Quasi-sex (as I am affectionately calling it): 9/24 or 9/25
Missed period: 10/11/09
My freak out: 10/13/09 12:45pm
Vladi's freak out: 10/13/09 7:30pm
EDD: 6/18/10
Sunday, October 11, 2009
My Little Comedian :)
My Luke....he is a funny little guy, and this week he proved it. First I must give you the back story, so you can appreciate the humor in the situation.
It was the day after Luke's birthday and Mom and I were sitting on my front porch. I was sitting in the one of our Adirondack chairs, and mom was sitting facing me leaning her back on the column. Next to me was Luke's chair and then Vladi's. We sat there for a while not really talking....crying some, but mainly just sitting in silence....disbelief really.
It was in that moment that I saw something buzz by right above out shrubs that are no more than a foot high. I wasn't sure at first if it was a huge dragonfly or a hummingbird. Then it whizzed by again this time stopping to hover just over my Mom's right shoulder.It was clear then that it was a hummingbird, and he stayed right there for a good 15-20 seconds floating above her shoulder. I was taken back by this curious little bird....one because there were no flowers or feeders in site....two I cannot remember the last time I had seen a hummingbird (never at our new house).....and three it seemed as though he wanted to make sure I saw him.
I looked in shock for a second and when I could realized what I was seeing I told Mom to look, and as she turned he flew away. I thought it might be from my little man, but thought it would be a one time gift. Later that same day, that little hummingbird flew right up to one of the windows in our living room that face our backyard.....well he nearly flew into the window actually. I was screaming at Mom...."There he is again!! The hummingbird it back!!!" It was in that moment I figured everyone was going to think I was finally slipping off the deep end or see what I was seeing too.....
I knew it was more than a little hummingbird, that was my Luke coming to say hi! So that next week Brandon saw the hummingbird at their feeder for the next few days. He swears the feeder had been up for over a year never having any bird visitors. So of course we got a feeder, like Vladi and I live in the movie Field of Dreams.....if we feed him, he will come! And that exactly what he did, it was wonderful. Vladi had yet to see him, and I think he thought I was little crazy.
At this point the only people that knew about Luke's hummingbird was my immediately family. The first time I met with Tifni she handed me a badge holder with my initial on it, and says, "I picked the fabric.....hibiscus flowers are my thing for Brody." It was very casual and I didn't think much of it at the time. So I head home after our lunch, and then it clicks.....hisbicus.....hummingbird....hibiscus and hummingbird. WHOA! these two things go together, like two puzzle pieces. I felt the chills come over me....Brody and Luke lead us together. I was floored hummingbirds and hibiscus flowers do not scream baby....and definitely not baby boys!
So, we continued to see the hummingbird (everyone but Vladi)....he even made a few appearances over at Grammy's house too :) Then it was the week of his memorial and a few days before Vladi and I were working in the yard getting it ready for Luke's dedication. It was that day that Vladi started to believe too. The hummingbird went buzzing by and fed for a while then flew back up in the trees....and back to the feeder....and back to the trees. He continued like that for the better part of an hour. Our backyard was flooded with all things beautiful and living. Butterflies in every color filled the yard, lizards of all sizes. Butterflies kept landing on Luke's tree swaying on the branches filled with new growth. It was a magical moment. I could feel Luke there with us.
Then everyday....literally everyday that week, Vladi saw him at least once...usually twice, and he was always the one to see him first. I had made him move the feeder right up to our living room windows, I didn't want to miss him saying hi.
So the next few weeks were my first weeks home without Vladi, and Luke sent his bird everyday without fail, and then one day he came with a friend.....it was wonderful. They danced together in the air swirling around as if they were in a perfectly timed duet. They were slightly different in color, and even a few friends of mine saw him when they were over to visit. They didn't know about his hummingbirds....and we would be sitting in the living room talking when they would look outside and say, "Hey, look there is a hummingbird."
The one that I called Luke's bird, would seem to always stay a little longer....and few times he flew right up to the window.....looking me right in the eyes.....I know it sounds crazy. Maybe I am, but I don't really care. That was Luke talking to me. Oh and yeah, I got the pictures to prove it....seriously :)
So I was sad to say that the past few weeks I wasn't seeing Luke's bird. I thought it was because it was getting colder, but wondered if it was because I was feeling more sad those days. I longed for them to come back. They helped me feel connected to my boy, but it was in my sadness that I felt more distant than ever.
So we went to Burlington for Granddaddy's funeral, and while in their house I walked past Grandma's china hutch....and there a hummingbird figurine perched over a pink hibiscus. It stopped me in my tracks. He was there, and he made sure I knew it.
So, the Mom calls me over to show me something last week. She opens up a pair of workout pants of hers and there on the pocket is a embroidered hummingbird....and she opens up the waist band and there are two hummingbirds over hibiscus flowers. If that wasn't enough, she tells me she bought them the same day she bought Luke's gift for his baby shower, and had not looked at them or ever worn them since the say she bought them. AND they were hung in the baby section....that's how she found them....hanging in the baby section.
And this week.....this is how I know for sure my Luke is a funny guy! I keep talking to Abby at night, to get Luke to send his hummingbirds.....that I miss seeing his hummingbirds....meaning the live ones.
So I went about my way, still hoping that I would see he again before the Fall weather permanently set in. I stopped on my way home from work Thursday to get food for dinner at the good ol' Piggly Wiggly....don't hate, they have an awesome meat selection. Filet Mignon for 2 for $6.50....delicious ;) So I stopped by the bakery area, and was going to Vladi some of their banana pudding, he was having a bad day....he loves their banana pudding and thought it might cheer him up.
Of course not a pudding in sight.....then I looked to my left and there was a slice of yellow birthday cake with a hummingbird figure on it. WHAT?! A hummingbird on birthday cake?! Not a flower, not a balloon, not a clown.....a hummingbird! Ok random enough right.....well it was then I that I was laughing out loud in Piggly Wiggly knowing that Luke was behind this whole scheme.
I have a weakness for birthday cake......the yellow cake with white icing (its got to be the grocery store bakery kind). I have been known to even buy the little small cakes for any given reason (which usually meant none) because I just had to have a bite. As you can imagine, I ate my weight in cake while I was pregnant. Luke was probably 1/4 birthday cake.
So there I was staring at a slice of birthday with a plastic hummingbird figure on it......what I wise guy, that one! So I looked further to find they had exactly 3 pieces with hummingbirds on them....I bought them all naturally. Gave one to Mom and one to Melissa.
It was that night I a realized Luke was sending me his hummingbirds.....just not the ones I was looking for. He was sending them to me at Grandma's house, or on Mom's pants.......or on birthday cake :)
I know what you are thinking....hummingbirds are popular and are everywhere, and I know that. But I know when they are his, and when they are just there. I am not walking into a garden store and saying all the hummingbird things I see are from him.....of course they make me think of him, but I know he didn't send them.
He sends things that are clearly him, like when I was in Southport this weekend, and there was a hummingbird stake in the flower bed outside of this Thai restaurant that Vladi and I having been wanting to try.....we love Thai, or when I was in an antique store and there was a picture of two hummingbirds framed, and next to it where all these little framed pictures of different children playing on the beach....no other pictures in site.
So, I got a little comedian on my hands. He sends me his hummingbirds in the most unlikely places, but somehow they make the most sense in the world. He makes sure I know it was him too.....like putting his hummingbird on birthday cake!
It was the day after Luke's birthday and Mom and I were sitting on my front porch. I was sitting in the one of our Adirondack chairs, and mom was sitting facing me leaning her back on the column. Next to me was Luke's chair and then Vladi's. We sat there for a while not really talking....crying some, but mainly just sitting in silence....disbelief really.
It was in that moment that I saw something buzz by right above out shrubs that are no more than a foot high. I wasn't sure at first if it was a huge dragonfly or a hummingbird. Then it whizzed by again this time stopping to hover just over my Mom's right shoulder.It was clear then that it was a hummingbird, and he stayed right there for a good 15-20 seconds floating above her shoulder. I was taken back by this curious little bird....one because there were no flowers or feeders in site....two I cannot remember the last time I had seen a hummingbird (never at our new house).....and three it seemed as though he wanted to make sure I saw him.
I looked in shock for a second and when I could realized what I was seeing I told Mom to look, and as she turned he flew away. I thought it might be from my little man, but thought it would be a one time gift. Later that same day, that little hummingbird flew right up to one of the windows in our living room that face our backyard.....well he nearly flew into the window actually. I was screaming at Mom...."There he is again!! The hummingbird it back!!!" It was in that moment I figured everyone was going to think I was finally slipping off the deep end or see what I was seeing too.....
I knew it was more than a little hummingbird, that was my Luke coming to say hi! So that next week Brandon saw the hummingbird at their feeder for the next few days. He swears the feeder had been up for over a year never having any bird visitors. So of course we got a feeder, like Vladi and I live in the movie Field of Dreams.....if we feed him, he will come! And that exactly what he did, it was wonderful. Vladi had yet to see him, and I think he thought I was little crazy.
At this point the only people that knew about Luke's hummingbird was my immediately family. The first time I met with Tifni she handed me a badge holder with my initial on it, and says, "I picked the fabric.....hibiscus flowers are my thing for Brody." It was very casual and I didn't think much of it at the time. So I head home after our lunch, and then it clicks.....hisbicus.....hummingbird....hibiscus and hummingbird. WHOA! these two things go together, like two puzzle pieces. I felt the chills come over me....Brody and Luke lead us together. I was floored hummingbirds and hibiscus flowers do not scream baby....and definitely not baby boys!
So, we continued to see the hummingbird (everyone but Vladi)....he even made a few appearances over at Grammy's house too :) Then it was the week of his memorial and a few days before Vladi and I were working in the yard getting it ready for Luke's dedication. It was that day that Vladi started to believe too. The hummingbird went buzzing by and fed for a while then flew back up in the trees....and back to the feeder....and back to the trees. He continued like that for the better part of an hour. Our backyard was flooded with all things beautiful and living. Butterflies in every color filled the yard, lizards of all sizes. Butterflies kept landing on Luke's tree swaying on the branches filled with new growth. It was a magical moment. I could feel Luke there with us.
Then everyday....literally everyday that week, Vladi saw him at least once...usually twice, and he was always the one to see him first. I had made him move the feeder right up to our living room windows, I didn't want to miss him saying hi.
So the next few weeks were my first weeks home without Vladi, and Luke sent his bird everyday without fail, and then one day he came with a friend.....it was wonderful. They danced together in the air swirling around as if they were in a perfectly timed duet. They were slightly different in color, and even a few friends of mine saw him when they were over to visit. They didn't know about his hummingbirds....and we would be sitting in the living room talking when they would look outside and say, "Hey, look there is a hummingbird."
The one that I called Luke's bird, would seem to always stay a little longer....and few times he flew right up to the window.....looking me right in the eyes.....I know it sounds crazy. Maybe I am, but I don't really care. That was Luke talking to me. Oh and yeah, I got the pictures to prove it....seriously :)
So I was sad to say that the past few weeks I wasn't seeing Luke's bird. I thought it was because it was getting colder, but wondered if it was because I was feeling more sad those days. I longed for them to come back. They helped me feel connected to my boy, but it was in my sadness that I felt more distant than ever.
So we went to Burlington for Granddaddy's funeral, and while in their house I walked past Grandma's china hutch....and there a hummingbird figurine perched over a pink hibiscus. It stopped me in my tracks. He was there, and he made sure I knew it.
So, the Mom calls me over to show me something last week. She opens up a pair of workout pants of hers and there on the pocket is a embroidered hummingbird....and she opens up the waist band and there are two hummingbirds over hibiscus flowers. If that wasn't enough, she tells me she bought them the same day she bought Luke's gift for his baby shower, and had not looked at them or ever worn them since the say she bought them. AND they were hung in the baby section....that's how she found them....hanging in the baby section.
And this week.....this is how I know for sure my Luke is a funny guy! I keep talking to Abby at night, to get Luke to send his hummingbirds.....that I miss seeing his hummingbirds....meaning the live ones.
So I went about my way, still hoping that I would see he again before the Fall weather permanently set in. I stopped on my way home from work Thursday to get food for dinner at the good ol' Piggly Wiggly....don't hate, they have an awesome meat selection. Filet Mignon for 2 for $6.50....delicious ;) So I stopped by the bakery area, and was going to Vladi some of their banana pudding, he was having a bad day....he loves their banana pudding and thought it might cheer him up.
Of course not a pudding in sight.....then I looked to my left and there was a slice of yellow birthday cake with a hummingbird figure on it. WHAT?! A hummingbird on birthday cake?! Not a flower, not a balloon, not a clown.....a hummingbird! Ok random enough right.....well it was then I that I was laughing out loud in Piggly Wiggly knowing that Luke was behind this whole scheme.
I have a weakness for birthday cake......the yellow cake with white icing (its got to be the grocery store bakery kind). I have been known to even buy the little small cakes for any given reason (which usually meant none) because I just had to have a bite. As you can imagine, I ate my weight in cake while I was pregnant. Luke was probably 1/4 birthday cake.
So there I was staring at a slice of birthday with a plastic hummingbird figure on it......what I wise guy, that one! So I looked further to find they had exactly 3 pieces with hummingbirds on them....I bought them all naturally. Gave one to Mom and one to Melissa.
It was that night I a realized Luke was sending me his hummingbirds.....just not the ones I was looking for. He was sending them to me at Grandma's house, or on Mom's pants.......or on birthday cake :)
I know what you are thinking....hummingbirds are popular and are everywhere, and I know that. But I know when they are his, and when they are just there. I am not walking into a garden store and saying all the hummingbird things I see are from him.....of course they make me think of him, but I know he didn't send them.
He sends things that are clearly him, like when I was in Southport this weekend, and there was a hummingbird stake in the flower bed outside of this Thai restaurant that Vladi and I having been wanting to try.....we love Thai, or when I was in an antique store and there was a picture of two hummingbirds framed, and next to it where all these little framed pictures of different children playing on the beach....no other pictures in site.
So, I got a little comedian on my hands. He sends me his hummingbirds in the most unlikely places, but somehow they make the most sense in the world. He makes sure I know it was him too.....like putting his hummingbird on birthday cake!
Monday, October 5, 2009
The Case of the Unsolved Mystery
So today was the big day. Our appointment with the high-risk antepartum doctor, that I affectionately refer to as The Big Boss Lady (BBL for short). As you can see from my last post I was on a serious kick of velamentous cord insertion....and although everything I wrote was true about it being able to be diagnosed and prevented and such, the pathology report had it listed as a condition to rule out not as the pathologist's findings. So I just had a marginal insertion, which the BBL said is not a cause IUFD and probably had no major impact on the pregnancy.
She did not think further DNA testing was needed since our little man was perfect, we had no family history and my AFP during the pregnancy was negative. I did however get a ton of blood drawn to check for clotting disorders and lupus. BBL thinks these too will be negative since I had not other symptoms of these conditions, but we might as well cover that base.
So, that's it.....we officially live in the percentage of unknown cause. I still believe it had something to do with his cord...it just didn't give him what he needed to make it through labor. Maybe it was his position, maybe he was lying on it someway that was pressed with each contraction. Whatever the cause, it left this world with Luke.
I think I am ok with it, I guess I was thinking if anyone could figure it out it would be the BBL. I knew going in there, no real new information would be stated, but I guess I was holding out that I will still in 8th grade science class and a hypothesis would be made....a comfort diagnosis per say. Kind of like when your mom took you to the Doc as a kid and even though she knew an antibiotic wouldn't help, she still wanted one...she wasn't leaving empty handed. Something is better than nothing right?
I guess the best way I can explain it, is what I think a mom of a murdered child would feel like. Always wondering what happened those last few hours of their child's life. Where they shot, were they strangled....stabbed? Not that it brings their child back, but somehow knowing what happened......I know, I know this is a case of the grass isn't always greener. I know I would find plenty of ammo if we did have a clear reason why to redirect my obsessive thoughts in another direction.
So it sucks, we don't know and never will.....but I know it is time to start to close that chapter of Luke's story. He belongs to the 2 out of 3 stillbirths that remain undiagnosed. I need to accept that to heal. He wants me to accept it! And that day we are reunited it won't even matter one bit, because I will be with my sweet angel boy....and that's all I will need to know.
She did not think further DNA testing was needed since our little man was perfect, we had no family history and my AFP during the pregnancy was negative. I did however get a ton of blood drawn to check for clotting disorders and lupus. BBL thinks these too will be negative since I had not other symptoms of these conditions, but we might as well cover that base.
So, that's it.....we officially live in the percentage of unknown cause. I still believe it had something to do with his cord...it just didn't give him what he needed to make it through labor. Maybe it was his position, maybe he was lying on it someway that was pressed with each contraction. Whatever the cause, it left this world with Luke.
I think I am ok with it, I guess I was thinking if anyone could figure it out it would be the BBL. I knew going in there, no real new information would be stated, but I guess I was holding out that I will still in 8th grade science class and a hypothesis would be made....a comfort diagnosis per say. Kind of like when your mom took you to the Doc as a kid and even though she knew an antibiotic wouldn't help, she still wanted one...she wasn't leaving empty handed. Something is better than nothing right?
I guess the best way I can explain it, is what I think a mom of a murdered child would feel like. Always wondering what happened those last few hours of their child's life. Where they shot, were they strangled....stabbed? Not that it brings their child back, but somehow knowing what happened......I know, I know this is a case of the grass isn't always greener. I know I would find plenty of ammo if we did have a clear reason why to redirect my obsessive thoughts in another direction.
So it sucks, we don't know and never will.....but I know it is time to start to close that chapter of Luke's story. He belongs to the 2 out of 3 stillbirths that remain undiagnosed. I need to accept that to heal. He wants me to accept it! And that day we are reunited it won't even matter one bit, because I will be with my sweet angel boy....and that's all I will need to know.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Velamentous...the new four letter word
Velamentous....aka stupid cord insertion that looks like a broom. Vessels spread out unprotected, exposed, life threatening....life ending....Yep my body which I thought I had finally found the "thing" it could do right unlike my past "issues" with my body ie thyroid and voice junk....grew a placenta and cord strong enough to grow my healthy baby boy, but not strong enough to get him here.....and I stand corrected.
I hope that the doctors didn't miss this on an ultrasound...I hope they didn't know. I don't want to deal with what it means if it was there on one of the ultrasound pictures....if this could have been prevented.....its hard enough knowing it could have possibly been diagnosed and prevented killing my Luke.
Will there every be a day that I stop searching for what happened to my poor little boy. I feel obsessed something pouring over every little piece of information analyzing it to the smallest detail searching for the answer....I know we my never know, but I can't help but trying. It feels like for every question I pose and every answer I receive I think of 10 more questions.
I feel like this is it though....this is the reason what I never will see my little man smile.....this stupid horrible word.....velamentous.....strong enough to grow my Luke strong for 9 long months, weak enough to kill him......
I hope that the doctors didn't miss this on an ultrasound...I hope they didn't know. I don't want to deal with what it means if it was there on one of the ultrasound pictures....if this could have been prevented.....its hard enough knowing it could have possibly been diagnosed and prevented killing my Luke.
Will there every be a day that I stop searching for what happened to my poor little boy. I feel obsessed something pouring over every little piece of information analyzing it to the smallest detail searching for the answer....I know we my never know, but I can't help but trying. It feels like for every question I pose and every answer I receive I think of 10 more questions.
I feel like this is it though....this is the reason what I never will see my little man smile.....this stupid horrible word.....velamentous.....strong enough to grow my Luke strong for 9 long months, weak enough to kill him......
Thursday, October 1, 2009
"This sucks a big one! What can I do to help?"
To all those out there unsure of what to say to a friend or relative when tragedy strikes....say something......anything....well almost anything. We need to hear you say you care, that it upsets you too. We know there is nothing that will make us feel better, take away the pain, or being our loved one back.....but say something. Saying nothing makes that person feel like you are lessening the loss they have suffered, like you don't remotely understand the impact it has had on their life....or yours.
Don't let the person hear through the grapevine that you care or are upset. Here's how it goes, don't be afraid to knowledge the the person, to speak of the person who died, to give a hug.....Learn something through the tragic loss and realize to leave something unspoken between yourself and someone you love means you may never have the chance to say it. We are not promised tomorrow, so say it today.
Please step outside of yourself long enough to (I know you might be slightly uncomfortable) say, "This sucks a big one. What can I do to help?" Let that person know you care about them....and you hurt too.
No one expects prophetic words to shed some profound light on a horrible situation. No religious quotes of God's plan or God not making mistakes needed. Just speak to the heart of that person. We know you know that you can't imagine how it feels.....think about how uncomfortable you feel about talking to just us....well times that by the entire world's population for us....it feels like everyone avoids us like the plague....like grieving is contagious! Our grieving doesn't stop or gets because you have ignored it.
So next time give your friend or relative a refreshing approach....give them a hug (2 handed, not the weird side hug) and then say, "This sucks a big one! What can I do to help?"
Don't let the person hear through the grapevine that you care or are upset. Here's how it goes, don't be afraid to knowledge the the person, to speak of the person who died, to give a hug.....Learn something through the tragic loss and realize to leave something unspoken between yourself and someone you love means you may never have the chance to say it. We are not promised tomorrow, so say it today.
Please step outside of yourself long enough to (I know you might be slightly uncomfortable) say, "This sucks a big one. What can I do to help?" Let that person know you care about them....and you hurt too.
No one expects prophetic words to shed some profound light on a horrible situation. No religious quotes of God's plan or God not making mistakes needed. Just speak to the heart of that person. We know you know that you can't imagine how it feels.....think about how uncomfortable you feel about talking to just us....well times that by the entire world's population for us....it feels like everyone avoids us like the plague....like grieving is contagious! Our grieving doesn't stop or gets because you have ignored it.
So next time give your friend or relative a refreshing approach....give them a hug (2 handed, not the weird side hug) and then say, "This sucks a big one! What can I do to help?"
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Learning to Play Crow
I know what Luke is doing today. He is trying to beat his Great Granddaddy in crow. It is this silly game that he played with me and his other grandchildren. We always played crow. I would kneel next to his chair. Granddaddy would hold his hand in a loose fist and then I would trace my index finger around the circle that his thumb and index finger made. I would circle the opening in his fist until I would try to stick my finger in the hole while he tried to catch it. The object was not to get trapped by his hand....the crow per say. I don't even know really why it was called crow, nor did I care as a kid.....I just looked forward to playing crow every time we were together.
I remember I tried so hard to outsmart him, doing circles until I was sure he let his guard down and trying my hardest to be quicker than him. He usually caught me, but I kept trying. I didn't realize it then, but he would let me win every now and then. And of course I would always say, "Let me try to catch you Granddaddy." I would hold my hand while he circled around.....he was very quick. We played this together even now that I am an adult. I regret we didn't play it the last time we were together, but I know I told him how I was going to teach Luke how to play crow, and where I learned it from.
So now that Granddaddy has joined Luke in Heaven I know they have already had many rounds of crow already. Luke sitting in his lap drawing the outline of Granddaddy's hand with his little finger waiting for the perfect moment to test his quickness. I can see the smile on Granddaddy's face as Luke squeals out in laughter as his Great Granddaddy squeezes his finger tightly. What a time those two are having together.
I have always thought I will be reunited with Luke someday in Heaven. I know I will see him again, and we will be together forever. But it was when Vladi said to me the other day, that he is no longer afraid of dying, because it means he gets to be with Luke again....I got it. It clicked. It is not that I wish life away, or are saying I am ready to die, BUT each day that passes brings me one day closer to being with Luke again. I think of every time I've gone on a trip, the excitement during the travel there.....getting there is half the fun, right?! So I might as well enjoy the ride called life, because I know the destination is going to be AWESOME!!
I remember I tried so hard to outsmart him, doing circles until I was sure he let his guard down and trying my hardest to be quicker than him. He usually caught me, but I kept trying. I didn't realize it then, but he would let me win every now and then. And of course I would always say, "Let me try to catch you Granddaddy." I would hold my hand while he circled around.....he was very quick. We played this together even now that I am an adult. I regret we didn't play it the last time we were together, but I know I told him how I was going to teach Luke how to play crow, and where I learned it from.
So now that Granddaddy has joined Luke in Heaven I know they have already had many rounds of crow already. Luke sitting in his lap drawing the outline of Granddaddy's hand with his little finger waiting for the perfect moment to test his quickness. I can see the smile on Granddaddy's face as Luke squeals out in laughter as his Great Granddaddy squeezes his finger tightly. What a time those two are having together.
I have always thought I will be reunited with Luke someday in Heaven. I know I will see him again, and we will be together forever. But it was when Vladi said to me the other day, that he is no longer afraid of dying, because it means he gets to be with Luke again....I got it. It clicked. It is not that I wish life away, or are saying I am ready to die, BUT each day that passes brings me one day closer to being with Luke again. I think of every time I've gone on a trip, the excitement during the travel there.....getting there is half the fun, right?! So I might as well enjoy the ride called life, because I know the destination is going to be AWESOME!!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
What will never be....
I have officially surrendered to the world of blogging. I guess partly inevitable, but other inspired by other women's blogs that I have seen......really just one woman in particular Carly Marie that has writing a blog about her pregnancy after the loss of her son. I can only hope that I can provide some kind of clarity to myself, and anything other than would be bonus.
It is in moments like these that I don't even know where to start about how I am feeling. My head reels through every emotion, somehow feeling everything and nothing at the same time. I never thought I would be here writing a blog about I am trying to live life without my baby instead of starting this blog to boast about life with a new baby. I should be posting picture after picture of Luke's "firsts" and all our new parent blunders. Sadly that is not my life right now, and it will never be....not with Luke.
My sleepless nights are not caused my crying son, but my mind screaming through that day's thoughts of trying to understand what happened and what I could have done different. Anxiety, fear, sadness, He room remains untouched with all his clothes neatly hanging in his closest. His swing, bouncer, car seat and stroller in the corner of house fully assembled batteries and all.....still waiting for that baby.....still waiting for Luke. It seems absolutely ludicrous sometimes that he will never come home.....we will never hear his voice, we'll never see his smile or the sparkle in his eyes, we'll never hear his laugh, or watch him learn something...anything.
It will be 2 months on Monday.....I should have a 2 month old.......but instead he was dying two months ago today.......
It is in moments like these that I don't even know where to start about how I am feeling. My head reels through every emotion, somehow feeling everything and nothing at the same time. I never thought I would be here writing a blog about I am trying to live life without my baby instead of starting this blog to boast about life with a new baby. I should be posting picture after picture of Luke's "firsts" and all our new parent blunders. Sadly that is not my life right now, and it will never be....not with Luke.
My sleepless nights are not caused my crying son, but my mind screaming through that day's thoughts of trying to understand what happened and what I could have done different. Anxiety, fear, sadness, He room remains untouched with all his clothes neatly hanging in his closest. His swing, bouncer, car seat and stroller in the corner of house fully assembled batteries and all.....still waiting for that baby.....still waiting for Luke. It seems absolutely ludicrous sometimes that he will never come home.....we will never hear his voice, we'll never see his smile or the sparkle in his eyes, we'll never hear his laugh, or watch him learn something...anything.
It will be 2 months on Monday.....I should have a 2 month old.......but instead he was dying two months ago today.......
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