Well, This is Weird....

Leading up to today, I was looking forward to 2010 and welcoming a new year that has to be filled with wonderful blessings right?! It's the year of the water babe's after all!! But here we go again, as I drive home from work I feel myself deflate, and want to go curl up into a ball and act like time is not marching over right over my face....better yet, my heart.

If 2010 is the year of water babe, then that surely makes 2009 the year of Luke.....my Luke. It's just another slap in the face that he isn't here and should be. It's like another vault door being slammed shut making it further and further away.

Why is it so hard to say goodbye to the year that contains the crappiest thing that could have ever happened to me?! Maybe its because in the same time that my world cracked in two, I met the most beautiful creature that ever existed.

Why Should it Surprise Me Anymore?

This twisted road that I am traveling never ceases to amaze me the emotions it brings about. Just when I think I understand or have worked to some acceptance, peace....or whatever you want to call it. BAM! I get slapped in the face with an new emotion, usually one I never thought I would feel, usually something I don't know what to do with, where to put it, work through it, deal with it whatever.

So you would think that since this is the pattern that has quickly been established, that I wouldn't be surprised that I have a sudden change of heart or evolution in feelings (usually to a place I don't want to go). Somehow though, I am taken back each and every time......

Just trying to embrace.....shocked at times, but embracing the best I can.

I Think This Will be Me Someday.

My name is mary
And i'm from greenville mississippi
Yeah but this is where i live
Here in this old folks' dormitory

And every sunday night
Sarah comes to see us
And she plays that old upright
But sarah always seems to leave us

And when she plays
Something comes over me
Goes from my head
All the way to my feet
And i wanna dance

I wanna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I wanna move around the room just like a woman in a trance
All night

i said i wanna dance
I wanna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I wanna listen to the music that's been ringin' in my ears
'cause one day i'm gonna dance right outta here

I had three girls and a boy
But now one's gone up to heaven
She's with her papa now
'cause he left for lack of penicillin

The older that i get
I figure everyone is dyin'
They're all dyin' for a change
And i know i'm dyin' for some action

But days like these
Sunday seems so far away
So until then i'm gonna sit right here
And here i'll stay

I wanna dance
I wanna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I wanna move around the room just like a woman in a trance
All night

i said i wanna dance
I wanna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I wanna listen to the music that's been ringin' in my ears
'cause one day i'm gonna dance right outta here right outta here

I'd marry you if you could dance
that's what i said
'cause where i'm goin' there'll be dancin' everyday

I'm gonna dance
I'm gonna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I'm gonna move around the room just like a woman in a trance
All night i'm gonna dance
I'm gonna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I'm gonna listen to the music that's been ringin' in my ears
'cause one day i'm gonna dance right outta here

So one day i'm gonna dance right outta here
One day i'm gonna dance right outta here

I'm gonna dance
One day i'm gonna dance right outta here here here
One day i'm gonna dance right outta here
I'm gonna dance

Can You Think a Dream to Reality?

As I gather my things to take to my friend's gold party, I am left looking at the bulk of my childhood possessions in my jewelry box. They survived the fallout from the whirlwind called my father as he sold off or threw away any items he could get his hand on in the final years I had contact with him. The jewelry was one of the lone survivors because in my early 20's world my jewelry box could fit in my car during my one car move out......enter the irony.

I owned jewelry that most young girls shouldn't have, or even really wanted. Crap Christmas and birthday gifts to "make up" for not being through out the year, or even better and more likely....being "too present" when he was around if you know what I mean.

Year after year necklaces, bracelets, rings that didn't even match me or my personality. It only got worse as I got older. How many birthstone anything does one person need. Necklaces started to appear in strange duplicate, just a constant reminder how out of touch he was with our family...and me as his daughter.

So I weeded through the crap keeping my favorite few pieces....the ones Mom obviously picked out, as they were things that I actually liked and enjoyed wearing. Those are my tangible memories I have available to pass along to my children one day......

That bring me to my next thought....if you dream about something enough will it become a reality?

I remember so clearly being in the delivery room with Vladi very soon after we received the horrible news that our Luke had left this world, and saying to Vladi, "We will be here again someday, and we will have a different ending to the story. This will not break us."

So will we? Will be be in that delivery room and hear water babe's heart thumb away on the monitor every second until we hear her (still unofficial) arrive into this world screaming at the top of her soprano lungs?

Can this be our reality?

Will I be able to give her my favorite ring that belonged to my Mom as a child and she let me wear as a child? Will I be able to hand it to her on her wedding day just as my Mom did? "It will bring you luck, " she said. "It was always your favorite."

Are these words I will have the pleasure of speaking to my water babe someday?

I Wish I Was a Telemarketer!

I never thought that comment would ever pass my lips, but at this moment it is oh so true. I wish that I could be a telemarketer for the 6 months....yep that's right, I didn't stutter.

As water babe is starting to make her (this is an unofficial her) presence know to the outside world via my belly that it starting to once again poke its way out, I am not looking forward to being the human spectacle that is being pregnant in a very public job.

A round belly = public prodding verbally and physically.

With Luke it was the comments and questioning that was never ending that nearly pushed me to my edge by the end of my pregnancy with him. Is it really any one's business how many children I have, how far along I am, or how uncomfortable I am? Please don't even get me started on the 562,300+ ways people can say, "Holy shit, you are HUGE!" No I do not have more than one in there....no I am not about to "pop," I have 18 weeks to go....and yes I am sure about that. Yep...yep that's about it. That covers the bulk of all conversations I had from March to July this year.....what can I say Luke showed himself early in the process and I did eat like a linebacker for the majority of the pregnancy.

So here I am again, water babe and I have officially entered into the "Is she fat or pregnant" zone....so most people keep to themselves. You don't want to call a fat girl, pregnant, right?! Hey, maybe the water babe and I can stay right here in is place and they will all leave me alone.....here's to hoping!

I would like to clearly state for the record that at this moment I am not ready to do this part all over again. For starters it was irritating in its own light, but add in the mother of a dead baby and that just sounds like a barrel of fun and laughs if you ask me......

We all know the line of questioning that is on its way...."is this your first?"..."oh well, how old is your son?"......."ooooohhhh I'm soooo sorry" or better yet awkward silence. It is not that I do not want to talk about Luke or even care that some says I'm sorry. I just don't want to have the same conversation 20+ times a day nor do I want to lie about Luke 20+ times a day.

Enter the sudden desire to be a telemarketer. They don't see me, so the questions stop. I don't mind being around co-workers and/or people that know about Luke and are asking questions about water babe or Luke......that doesn't bother me. Its the revisiting the same place over and over again.

So what is a girl to do.....is it too late to ask to work triage the remainder of my pregnancy?!?!
Or maybe I should hold out hope for that some scientist will figure out how to detach water babe and let Vladi carry her around for a while?! Don't you just love how all my hopes are completely based in reality lately?!?!

She Said it Better Than Myself....

I know I have not done much writing lately....some quoting of others and an original one liner from me every now and then...but this is what I got for ya right now. This is a paragraph from another angel mama's blog. She lost her son at 33+5.....I think it is a pretty perfect explanation of grieving for me these days.....

"Since Ezra’s passing, I have learned that grief takes us to depths we never before could imagine. With each passing day of this journey, I have discovered that grief is an exercise in the unexpected. One moment I will feel some hope that things might just be ok, only to spiral hopelessly off a cliff of despair. If anything, the more time that passes, the harder it gets, as the reality that Ezra is gone sinks in. Ezra taught me many things in his short life, and he continues to teach me every day. Ezra may not be in my arms, but he is forever in my heart."

Missing You, My Little Man....

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The Abyss

What a dark lonely world it is as a childless mother....my arms ache from the bitter emptiness they feel.