Happy Birthday

I'm sorry I didn't celebrate you the way you deserved today. There was so much I wanted to do, but didn't. I shouldn't have let all the twisty crap going on with your Dad stop me, but it did....worried about what he thought or did or didn't want to do...pushing him further away.

Maybe next year will be different, maybe I will have guts to do it what I wanted with just me and Babes.....until my boy, Happy 1st Birthday! I hope you are having one awesome party up there!

I hate you July 27th...

I despise the sight of you July 27th. Just the thought of your presence makes me want to puke. I could hear the earth crack in two last year, and this year is not far behind. You continue you to haunt me day after day, so there is a little part of you, 27th, in everyday of my life.

How dare you continue to treat me this way July 27th?! You sit there and act all smug, like arrogant asshole. Full of empty or non existent apologizes, because you are above all this?Or is it that you are truly ashamed of your behavior....that you would have the balls to continue treat me this way, break my heart, and LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE and LIE some more. You are probably so twisted up in your LIES you do not know where the lie ends and the true begins. Was last year not enough.....because it sure feels like too much. Fuck you July 27th.....shove it up your ass! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Yep, that's 27 for ya!!!!

5:22 AM

That was the time, in the pure silence of the mourning, I didn't hear your precious cry, but the quite flapping of angels' wings as they carried you back to Heaven.....

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry I didn't know how to save you
I'm sorry you didn't get to know your Papi
I'm sorry your feet never felt sand between your toes
I'm sorry you never hit your first home run
I'm sorry that there is a tree in our yard in your name instead of you playing
I'm sorry you never got to try to ride Abby like she was a horse
I'm sorry I never got to kiss a boo boo for you
I'm sorry you didn't get to dive into your first birthday cake and to open presents
I'm sorry we didn't get to read books together by nightlight
I'm sorry I never got to sing you made up songs with your name in them
I'm sorry that there are so many things you missed that is impossible to list them
I'm sorry I didn't speak loud enough, push hard enough and trusted my instinct
I'm sorry I broke your heart, your Papi's heart and the hearts of every person that loved you
I'm sorry I didn't get you here safely
I'm sorry I failed you
I'm sorry I didn't know you were dying inside of me
I'm sorry I was too busy to notice
I'm sorry I couldn't hold you an kiss you goodbye as your sweet spirit left your tiny body
I'm sorry you died alone and unnoticed

354 days ago....

You were here with me...kicking, living, waiting to join this world. I think I wonder more today where it all went wrong, what could I have done different even more than day I was told you were gone.

354 days ago I lived in a very different world.....one I miss dearly....one I will never live in again. I lived in a world where ignorance is bliss, where healthy babies don't die, my heart was still in one piece, your Dad still loved me, or so I thought, promises were kept and your Dad was faithful.....that's the world I lived in 354 days ago....

If there was ever a doubt that you were not loved beyond understanding....just look at the aftermath now that you are gone. Nothing but broken shattered pieces with so many jagged edges, I'm not sure they can ever fit together again.

The thing I do love about the world I live in today 354 days later? I can answer that in one word.... our Babes. Thank you so much for sending your sissy down to be here on this Earth. I hope that someday I will be able to hug her here on earth while still feeling you so close by. I think it has been too much for my heart to understand so far. Please don't be distant my baby boy, because my heart longs to feel your near at this time. I will do my best to be open to seeing your magic again and we near your birthday. I love you.....those words are so small for a feeling so big.