Where is it?!

I think someone sucked all the air from the sky.....I can't seem to catch my breath! HELP!!

What if he dies too?

Well Vladi is off on a "sorry its so last minute, but can you go...and by that I mean, you WILL go" work trip this week. Across country of course! I finally figured why I hate for us to be apart ever since Luke died.....At first I thought it was that he got me better than anyone, and understood better than anyone, so that brought me some peace knowing he was near.

Although there is truth in that statement, it dawned on me today, in the middle of Harris Teeter buyng over priced groceries, exactly why I felt that way......

What if he dies too?

What if he dies while we are apart? I can not even wrap my head around be able to process and move on from that. I would rather be together, then the chances are better we will either live together or die together.....

I do not think I could ever make it if he was to die too....I would be utterly and totally alone.

The Well is Dry

I have no more to give....I'm empty....physically....emotionally.....I'm empty. That's not good enough for my Babes.

An Act of Congress....

Yep, an act of congress is what it takes to see the freakin' BBL. We haven't seen her one single time since we knew Babes was on her way. We get to see all of her minions and the BL which all defer to her. It's like she the damn Wizard of Oz......"Don't talk to the man behind the curtain!"

I called a week before our appointment and explained that we have yet to see her, and there were some things we would like to discuss with her directly...and quite frankly just the see person calling all the shots. They say no problem I'll put a note in your chart for your next visit.

And there we were where waiting to see her, having just finished our ultrasound and me having yet another freakin' anixiety attack waiting for the tech in the ultrasound room....so we waited and waiting. 35mins later her comes one of her minions saying she is in a "procedure" otherwise know as lunch, if you ask me, 1pm (45mins from then) if we wanted to wait for her otherwise it was another visit with the pawns.

I am so fucking pissed I could spit nails. We have spent our entire pregnancy trying to convince then our concerns and fears are in late pregnancy and delivery.....HELLO! How many times do we have to remind you that's when Luke died! Look at my fucking history already!!!! But yet they keep talking about inducing me later and later, well fuck I might as well go into labor on my own and roll the fucking dice AGAIN......because that worked soooo well for us last time!

I think I my punch the next minion or BL if they say to me one more fucking time, how the odds are soooooo slim that Babes would die too........Don't tell me that shit. We have lived in the minority.....we ARE the minority...and you are telling me don't worry it, probably won't happen again.....you don't know that....it DOES happen again you shit head! It could happen again, and you telling me that doesn't make me feel better. Luke shouldn't have died and he did......how can I really go along ignorantly thinking that its not going to happen to Babes too. It IS a possiblity.

And what makes me even more angry.....our problem was with labor....and the BBL wants to just get us there and then its Tada! my job is done......HELLO that's really where your job should JUST be starting.....HELP US WHERE WE NEED HELP!!!!!!!!! Why is that so hard for them to understand......oh yeah, that's because no matter how smart any of them are, they haven't had to bring their child home in a box.

One Thing They Don't Tell You

It gets harder, NOT easier with time.....that line is a piece of crap!

Save a Place for Me, I'll be There Soon

Don't be mad at me if i cry.
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday its sinking in,
And I have to say goodbye all over again.

You know, I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
off your shoulders now.
I'm dreaming of the day
When I'm finally there with you.

Save a place for me, Save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But i guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

So you just save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I wanna to live my live just like you did
And make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna to make my home up in the sky just like you did
Oh, but until I get there, until I get there

Just save a place for me, save a place for me
'Cause I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I'll fly away, oh glory
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon