For starters, I can't even believe that I am writing this entry....but once again life has proven unpredictable and certainly a little intimidating.
I am the proud owner of two shiny new positive pregnancy tests. Yep, you heard that right.....not one but two. And the REALLY positive kind, you know that is positive way before the 3 mins are up......I was due to start my period on the 11th, and of course didn't. Then it dawned on me today, the signs were there...peeing all the time, feeling wiped out, stomach feeling unsettled....just the same feelings I had with Luke. So I got the tests, took one in the afternoon and one after I told Vladi tonight.
Don't ask me how really....well I know how, but seriously?! One time....one time we've had sex. I know, that's all it takes. I sound like a high school girl. When I say one time, I mean we stopped pretty quickly into things because it was still uncomfortable for me and we didn't have any condoms. Vladi said he didn't, and I don't think he did either (you know what I'm talking about). So I say, Seriously?! WOW, just call me Myrtle.
I think Vladi and I don't even know what to thing or feel....I guess surreal pretty much sums that up. Pretty good description of life in general lately.
I hope Vladi isn't mad at me (I know why would he be, but still worried). This wasn't the jumping up and down with happiness that I think we thought our next positive pregnancy test would bring.
I've got to believe this baby has the same perfect timing in our lives that Luke did no matter how long he/she is with us. I've got to believe that God and Luke had a pow-wow and said, "yep time to send your brother or sister down." I got to believe this is bigger than us as we continue to live in the statistical minority. Hopefully it will be the "good" minority this time.
So I guess a call to the BBL (Big Boss Lady-high risk Doc) and BL (Boss Lady-primary OB) is in order tomorrow. Maybe we just need to see that little flash of a heartbeat on the screen to help us process for now. One step at a time right?!
So here it is......(dates have NOT been altered for increased dramatic reaction)
Luke's b-day: 7/28/09
First and apparently last period: 9/11/09 (yep, I'm extremely regular like that)
Quasi-sex (as I am affectionately calling it): 9/24 or 9/25
Missed period: 10/11/09
My freak out: 10/13/09 12:45pm
Vladi's freak out: 10/13/09 7:30pm
EDD: 6/18/10
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
My Little Comedian :)
My Luke....he is a funny little guy, and this week he proved it. First I must give you the back story, so you can appreciate the humor in the situation.
It was the day after Luke's birthday and Mom and I were sitting on my front porch. I was sitting in the one of our Adirondack chairs, and mom was sitting facing me leaning her back on the column. Next to me was Luke's chair and then Vladi's. We sat there for a while not really talking....crying some, but mainly just sitting in silence....disbelief really.
It was in that moment that I saw something buzz by right above out shrubs that are no more than a foot high. I wasn't sure at first if it was a huge dragonfly or a hummingbird. Then it whizzed by again this time stopping to hover just over my Mom's right shoulder.It was clear then that it was a hummingbird, and he stayed right there for a good 15-20 seconds floating above her shoulder. I was taken back by this curious little bird....one because there were no flowers or feeders in site....two I cannot remember the last time I had seen a hummingbird (never at our new house).....and three it seemed as though he wanted to make sure I saw him.
I looked in shock for a second and when I could realized what I was seeing I told Mom to look, and as she turned he flew away. I thought it might be from my little man, but thought it would be a one time gift. Later that same day, that little hummingbird flew right up to one of the windows in our living room that face our backyard.....well he nearly flew into the window actually. I was screaming at Mom...."There he is again!! The hummingbird it back!!!" It was in that moment I figured everyone was going to think I was finally slipping off the deep end or see what I was seeing too.....
I knew it was more than a little hummingbird, that was my Luke coming to say hi! So that next week Brandon saw the hummingbird at their feeder for the next few days. He swears the feeder had been up for over a year never having any bird visitors. So of course we got a feeder, like Vladi and I live in the movie Field of Dreams.....if we feed him, he will come! And that exactly what he did, it was wonderful. Vladi had yet to see him, and I think he thought I was little crazy.
At this point the only people that knew about Luke's hummingbird was my immediately family. The first time I met with Tifni she handed me a badge holder with my initial on it, and says, "I picked the fabric.....hibiscus flowers are my thing for Brody." It was very casual and I didn't think much of it at the time. So I head home after our lunch, and then it clicks.....hisbicus.....hummingbird....hibiscus and hummingbird. WHOA! these two things go together, like two puzzle pieces. I felt the chills come over me....Brody and Luke lead us together. I was floored hummingbirds and hibiscus flowers do not scream baby....and definitely not baby boys!
So, we continued to see the hummingbird (everyone but Vladi)....he even made a few appearances over at Grammy's house too :) Then it was the week of his memorial and a few days before Vladi and I were working in the yard getting it ready for Luke's dedication. It was that day that Vladi started to believe too. The hummingbird went buzzing by and fed for a while then flew back up in the trees....and back to the feeder....and back to the trees. He continued like that for the better part of an hour. Our backyard was flooded with all things beautiful and living. Butterflies in every color filled the yard, lizards of all sizes. Butterflies kept landing on Luke's tree swaying on the branches filled with new growth. It was a magical moment. I could feel Luke there with us.
Then everyday....literally everyday that week, Vladi saw him at least once...usually twice, and he was always the one to see him first. I had made him move the feeder right up to our living room windows, I didn't want to miss him saying hi.
So the next few weeks were my first weeks home without Vladi, and Luke sent his bird everyday without fail, and then one day he came with a friend.....it was wonderful. They danced together in the air swirling around as if they were in a perfectly timed duet. They were slightly different in color, and even a few friends of mine saw him when they were over to visit. They didn't know about his hummingbirds....and we would be sitting in the living room talking when they would look outside and say, "Hey, look there is a hummingbird."
The one that I called Luke's bird, would seem to always stay a little longer....and few times he flew right up to the window.....looking me right in the eyes.....I know it sounds crazy. Maybe I am, but I don't really care. That was Luke talking to me. Oh and yeah, I got the pictures to prove it....seriously :)
So I was sad to say that the past few weeks I wasn't seeing Luke's bird. I thought it was because it was getting colder, but wondered if it was because I was feeling more sad those days. I longed for them to come back. They helped me feel connected to my boy, but it was in my sadness that I felt more distant than ever.
So we went to Burlington for Granddaddy's funeral, and while in their house I walked past Grandma's china hutch....and there a hummingbird figurine perched over a pink hibiscus. It stopped me in my tracks. He was there, and he made sure I knew it.
So, the Mom calls me over to show me something last week. She opens up a pair of workout pants of hers and there on the pocket is a embroidered hummingbird....and she opens up the waist band and there are two hummingbirds over hibiscus flowers. If that wasn't enough, she tells me she bought them the same day she bought Luke's gift for his baby shower, and had not looked at them or ever worn them since the say she bought them. AND they were hung in the baby section....that's how she found them....hanging in the baby section.
And this week.....this is how I know for sure my Luke is a funny guy! I keep talking to Abby at night, to get Luke to send his hummingbirds.....that I miss seeing his hummingbirds....meaning the live ones.
So I went about my way, still hoping that I would see he again before the Fall weather permanently set in. I stopped on my way home from work Thursday to get food for dinner at the good ol' Piggly Wiggly....don't hate, they have an awesome meat selection. Filet Mignon for 2 for $6.50....delicious ;) So I stopped by the bakery area, and was going to Vladi some of their banana pudding, he was having a bad day....he loves their banana pudding and thought it might cheer him up.
Of course not a pudding in sight.....then I looked to my left and there was a slice of yellow birthday cake with a hummingbird figure on it. WHAT?! A hummingbird on birthday cake?! Not a flower, not a balloon, not a clown.....a hummingbird! Ok random enough right.....well it was then I that I was laughing out loud in Piggly Wiggly knowing that Luke was behind this whole scheme.
I have a weakness for birthday cake......the yellow cake with white icing (its got to be the grocery store bakery kind). I have been known to even buy the little small cakes for any given reason (which usually meant none) because I just had to have a bite. As you can imagine, I ate my weight in cake while I was pregnant. Luke was probably 1/4 birthday cake.
So there I was staring at a slice of birthday with a plastic hummingbird figure on it......what I wise guy, that one! So I looked further to find they had exactly 3 pieces with hummingbirds on them....I bought them all naturally. Gave one to Mom and one to Melissa.
It was that night I a realized Luke was sending me his hummingbirds.....just not the ones I was looking for. He was sending them to me at Grandma's house, or on Mom's pants.......or on birthday cake :)
I know what you are thinking....hummingbirds are popular and are everywhere, and I know that. But I know when they are his, and when they are just there. I am not walking into a garden store and saying all the hummingbird things I see are from him.....of course they make me think of him, but I know he didn't send them.
He sends things that are clearly him, like when I was in Southport this weekend, and there was a hummingbird stake in the flower bed outside of this Thai restaurant that Vladi and I having been wanting to try.....we love Thai, or when I was in an antique store and there was a picture of two hummingbirds framed, and next to it where all these little framed pictures of different children playing on the beach....no other pictures in site.
So, I got a little comedian on my hands. He sends me his hummingbirds in the most unlikely places, but somehow they make the most sense in the world. He makes sure I know it was him too.....like putting his hummingbird on birthday cake!
It was the day after Luke's birthday and Mom and I were sitting on my front porch. I was sitting in the one of our Adirondack chairs, and mom was sitting facing me leaning her back on the column. Next to me was Luke's chair and then Vladi's. We sat there for a while not really talking....crying some, but mainly just sitting in silence....disbelief really.
It was in that moment that I saw something buzz by right above out shrubs that are no more than a foot high. I wasn't sure at first if it was a huge dragonfly or a hummingbird. Then it whizzed by again this time stopping to hover just over my Mom's right shoulder.It was clear then that it was a hummingbird, and he stayed right there for a good 15-20 seconds floating above her shoulder. I was taken back by this curious little bird....one because there were no flowers or feeders in site....two I cannot remember the last time I had seen a hummingbird (never at our new house).....and three it seemed as though he wanted to make sure I saw him.
I looked in shock for a second and when I could realized what I was seeing I told Mom to look, and as she turned he flew away. I thought it might be from my little man, but thought it would be a one time gift. Later that same day, that little hummingbird flew right up to one of the windows in our living room that face our backyard.....well he nearly flew into the window actually. I was screaming at Mom...."There he is again!! The hummingbird it back!!!" It was in that moment I figured everyone was going to think I was finally slipping off the deep end or see what I was seeing too.....
I knew it was more than a little hummingbird, that was my Luke coming to say hi! So that next week Brandon saw the hummingbird at their feeder for the next few days. He swears the feeder had been up for over a year never having any bird visitors. So of course we got a feeder, like Vladi and I live in the movie Field of Dreams.....if we feed him, he will come! And that exactly what he did, it was wonderful. Vladi had yet to see him, and I think he thought I was little crazy.
At this point the only people that knew about Luke's hummingbird was my immediately family. The first time I met with Tifni she handed me a badge holder with my initial on it, and says, "I picked the fabric.....hibiscus flowers are my thing for Brody." It was very casual and I didn't think much of it at the time. So I head home after our lunch, and then it clicks.....hisbicus.....hummingbird....hibiscus and hummingbird. WHOA! these two things go together, like two puzzle pieces. I felt the chills come over me....Brody and Luke lead us together. I was floored hummingbirds and hibiscus flowers do not scream baby....and definitely not baby boys!
So, we continued to see the hummingbird (everyone but Vladi)....he even made a few appearances over at Grammy's house too :) Then it was the week of his memorial and a few days before Vladi and I were working in the yard getting it ready for Luke's dedication. It was that day that Vladi started to believe too. The hummingbird went buzzing by and fed for a while then flew back up in the trees....and back to the feeder....and back to the trees. He continued like that for the better part of an hour. Our backyard was flooded with all things beautiful and living. Butterflies in every color filled the yard, lizards of all sizes. Butterflies kept landing on Luke's tree swaying on the branches filled with new growth. It was a magical moment. I could feel Luke there with us.
Then everyday....literally everyday that week, Vladi saw him at least once...usually twice, and he was always the one to see him first. I had made him move the feeder right up to our living room windows, I didn't want to miss him saying hi.
So the next few weeks were my first weeks home without Vladi, and Luke sent his bird everyday without fail, and then one day he came with a friend.....it was wonderful. They danced together in the air swirling around as if they were in a perfectly timed duet. They were slightly different in color, and even a few friends of mine saw him when they were over to visit. They didn't know about his hummingbirds....and we would be sitting in the living room talking when they would look outside and say, "Hey, look there is a hummingbird."
The one that I called Luke's bird, would seem to always stay a little longer....and few times he flew right up to the window.....looking me right in the eyes.....I know it sounds crazy. Maybe I am, but I don't really care. That was Luke talking to me. Oh and yeah, I got the pictures to prove it....seriously :)
So I was sad to say that the past few weeks I wasn't seeing Luke's bird. I thought it was because it was getting colder, but wondered if it was because I was feeling more sad those days. I longed for them to come back. They helped me feel connected to my boy, but it was in my sadness that I felt more distant than ever.
So we went to Burlington for Granddaddy's funeral, and while in their house I walked past Grandma's china hutch....and there a hummingbird figurine perched over a pink hibiscus. It stopped me in my tracks. He was there, and he made sure I knew it.
So, the Mom calls me over to show me something last week. She opens up a pair of workout pants of hers and there on the pocket is a embroidered hummingbird....and she opens up the waist band and there are two hummingbirds over hibiscus flowers. If that wasn't enough, she tells me she bought them the same day she bought Luke's gift for his baby shower, and had not looked at them or ever worn them since the say she bought them. AND they were hung in the baby section....that's how she found them....hanging in the baby section.
And this week.....this is how I know for sure my Luke is a funny guy! I keep talking to Abby at night, to get Luke to send his hummingbirds.....that I miss seeing his hummingbirds....meaning the live ones.
So I went about my way, still hoping that I would see he again before the Fall weather permanently set in. I stopped on my way home from work Thursday to get food for dinner at the good ol' Piggly Wiggly....don't hate, they have an awesome meat selection. Filet Mignon for 2 for $6.50....delicious ;) So I stopped by the bakery area, and was going to Vladi some of their banana pudding, he was having a bad day....he loves their banana pudding and thought it might cheer him up.
Of course not a pudding in sight.....then I looked to my left and there was a slice of yellow birthday cake with a hummingbird figure on it. WHAT?! A hummingbird on birthday cake?! Not a flower, not a balloon, not a clown.....a hummingbird! Ok random enough right.....well it was then I that I was laughing out loud in Piggly Wiggly knowing that Luke was behind this whole scheme.
I have a weakness for birthday cake......the yellow cake with white icing (its got to be the grocery store bakery kind). I have been known to even buy the little small cakes for any given reason (which usually meant none) because I just had to have a bite. As you can imagine, I ate my weight in cake while I was pregnant. Luke was probably 1/4 birthday cake.
So there I was staring at a slice of birthday with a plastic hummingbird figure on it......what I wise guy, that one! So I looked further to find they had exactly 3 pieces with hummingbirds on them....I bought them all naturally. Gave one to Mom and one to Melissa.
It was that night I a realized Luke was sending me his hummingbirds.....just not the ones I was looking for. He was sending them to me at Grandma's house, or on Mom's pants.......or on birthday cake :)
I know what you are thinking....hummingbirds are popular and are everywhere, and I know that. But I know when they are his, and when they are just there. I am not walking into a garden store and saying all the hummingbird things I see are from him.....of course they make me think of him, but I know he didn't send them.
He sends things that are clearly him, like when I was in Southport this weekend, and there was a hummingbird stake in the flower bed outside of this Thai restaurant that Vladi and I having been wanting to try.....we love Thai, or when I was in an antique store and there was a picture of two hummingbirds framed, and next to it where all these little framed pictures of different children playing on the beach....no other pictures in site.
So, I got a little comedian on my hands. He sends me his hummingbirds in the most unlikely places, but somehow they make the most sense in the world. He makes sure I know it was him too.....like putting his hummingbird on birthday cake!
Monday, October 5, 2009
The Case of the Unsolved Mystery
So today was the big day. Our appointment with the high-risk antepartum doctor, that I affectionately refer to as The Big Boss Lady (BBL for short). As you can see from my last post I was on a serious kick of velamentous cord insertion....and although everything I wrote was true about it being able to be diagnosed and prevented and such, the pathology report had it listed as a condition to rule out not as the pathologist's findings. So I just had a marginal insertion, which the BBL said is not a cause IUFD and probably had no major impact on the pregnancy.
She did not think further DNA testing was needed since our little man was perfect, we had no family history and my AFP during the pregnancy was negative. I did however get a ton of blood drawn to check for clotting disorders and lupus. BBL thinks these too will be negative since I had not other symptoms of these conditions, but we might as well cover that base.
So, that's it.....we officially live in the percentage of unknown cause. I still believe it had something to do with his cord...it just didn't give him what he needed to make it through labor. Maybe it was his position, maybe he was lying on it someway that was pressed with each contraction. Whatever the cause, it left this world with Luke.
I think I am ok with it, I guess I was thinking if anyone could figure it out it would be the BBL. I knew going in there, no real new information would be stated, but I guess I was holding out that I will still in 8th grade science class and a hypothesis would be made....a comfort diagnosis per say. Kind of like when your mom took you to the Doc as a kid and even though she knew an antibiotic wouldn't help, she still wanted one...she wasn't leaving empty handed. Something is better than nothing right?
I guess the best way I can explain it, is what I think a mom of a murdered child would feel like. Always wondering what happened those last few hours of their child's life. Where they shot, were they strangled....stabbed? Not that it brings their child back, but somehow knowing what happened......I know, I know this is a case of the grass isn't always greener. I know I would find plenty of ammo if we did have a clear reason why to redirect my obsessive thoughts in another direction.
So it sucks, we don't know and never will.....but I know it is time to start to close that chapter of Luke's story. He belongs to the 2 out of 3 stillbirths that remain undiagnosed. I need to accept that to heal. He wants me to accept it! And that day we are reunited it won't even matter one bit, because I will be with my sweet angel boy....and that's all I will need to know.
She did not think further DNA testing was needed since our little man was perfect, we had no family history and my AFP during the pregnancy was negative. I did however get a ton of blood drawn to check for clotting disorders and lupus. BBL thinks these too will be negative since I had not other symptoms of these conditions, but we might as well cover that base.
So, that's it.....we officially live in the percentage of unknown cause. I still believe it had something to do with his cord...it just didn't give him what he needed to make it through labor. Maybe it was his position, maybe he was lying on it someway that was pressed with each contraction. Whatever the cause, it left this world with Luke.
I think I am ok with it, I guess I was thinking if anyone could figure it out it would be the BBL. I knew going in there, no real new information would be stated, but I guess I was holding out that I will still in 8th grade science class and a hypothesis would be made....a comfort diagnosis per say. Kind of like when your mom took you to the Doc as a kid and even though she knew an antibiotic wouldn't help, she still wanted one...she wasn't leaving empty handed. Something is better than nothing right?
I guess the best way I can explain it, is what I think a mom of a murdered child would feel like. Always wondering what happened those last few hours of their child's life. Where they shot, were they strangled....stabbed? Not that it brings their child back, but somehow knowing what happened......I know, I know this is a case of the grass isn't always greener. I know I would find plenty of ammo if we did have a clear reason why to redirect my obsessive thoughts in another direction.
So it sucks, we don't know and never will.....but I know it is time to start to close that chapter of Luke's story. He belongs to the 2 out of 3 stillbirths that remain undiagnosed. I need to accept that to heal. He wants me to accept it! And that day we are reunited it won't even matter one bit, because I will be with my sweet angel boy....and that's all I will need to know.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Velamentous...the new four letter word
Velamentous....aka stupid cord insertion that looks like a broom. Vessels spread out unprotected, exposed, life threatening....life ending....Yep my body which I thought I had finally found the "thing" it could do right unlike my past "issues" with my body ie thyroid and voice junk....grew a placenta and cord strong enough to grow my healthy baby boy, but not strong enough to get him here.....and I stand corrected.
I hope that the doctors didn't miss this on an ultrasound...I hope they didn't know. I don't want to deal with what it means if it was there on one of the ultrasound pictures....if this could have been prevented.....its hard enough knowing it could have possibly been diagnosed and prevented killing my Luke.
Will there every be a day that I stop searching for what happened to my poor little boy. I feel obsessed something pouring over every little piece of information analyzing it to the smallest detail searching for the answer....I know we my never know, but I can't help but trying. It feels like for every question I pose and every answer I receive I think of 10 more questions.
I feel like this is it though....this is the reason what I never will see my little man smile.....this stupid horrible word.....velamentous.....strong enough to grow my Luke strong for 9 long months, weak enough to kill him......
I hope that the doctors didn't miss this on an ultrasound...I hope they didn't know. I don't want to deal with what it means if it was there on one of the ultrasound pictures....if this could have been prevented.....its hard enough knowing it could have possibly been diagnosed and prevented killing my Luke.
Will there every be a day that I stop searching for what happened to my poor little boy. I feel obsessed something pouring over every little piece of information analyzing it to the smallest detail searching for the answer....I know we my never know, but I can't help but trying. It feels like for every question I pose and every answer I receive I think of 10 more questions.
I feel like this is it though....this is the reason what I never will see my little man smile.....this stupid horrible word.....velamentous.....strong enough to grow my Luke strong for 9 long months, weak enough to kill him......
Thursday, October 1, 2009
"This sucks a big one! What can I do to help?"
To all those out there unsure of what to say to a friend or relative when tragedy strikes....say something......anything....well almost anything. We need to hear you say you care, that it upsets you too. We know there is nothing that will make us feel better, take away the pain, or being our loved one back.....but say something. Saying nothing makes that person feel like you are lessening the loss they have suffered, like you don't remotely understand the impact it has had on their life....or yours.
Don't let the person hear through the grapevine that you care or are upset. Here's how it goes, don't be afraid to knowledge the the person, to speak of the person who died, to give a hug.....Learn something through the tragic loss and realize to leave something unspoken between yourself and someone you love means you may never have the chance to say it. We are not promised tomorrow, so say it today.
Please step outside of yourself long enough to (I know you might be slightly uncomfortable) say, "This sucks a big one. What can I do to help?" Let that person know you care about them....and you hurt too.
No one expects prophetic words to shed some profound light on a horrible situation. No religious quotes of God's plan or God not making mistakes needed. Just speak to the heart of that person. We know you know that you can't imagine how it feels.....think about how uncomfortable you feel about talking to just us....well times that by the entire world's population for us....it feels like everyone avoids us like the plague....like grieving is contagious! Our grieving doesn't stop or gets because you have ignored it.
So next time give your friend or relative a refreshing approach....give them a hug (2 handed, not the weird side hug) and then say, "This sucks a big one! What can I do to help?"
Don't let the person hear through the grapevine that you care or are upset. Here's how it goes, don't be afraid to knowledge the the person, to speak of the person who died, to give a hug.....Learn something through the tragic loss and realize to leave something unspoken between yourself and someone you love means you may never have the chance to say it. We are not promised tomorrow, so say it today.
Please step outside of yourself long enough to (I know you might be slightly uncomfortable) say, "This sucks a big one. What can I do to help?" Let that person know you care about them....and you hurt too.
No one expects prophetic words to shed some profound light on a horrible situation. No religious quotes of God's plan or God not making mistakes needed. Just speak to the heart of that person. We know you know that you can't imagine how it feels.....think about how uncomfortable you feel about talking to just us....well times that by the entire world's population for us....it feels like everyone avoids us like the plague....like grieving is contagious! Our grieving doesn't stop or gets because you have ignored it.
So next time give your friend or relative a refreshing approach....give them a hug (2 handed, not the weird side hug) and then say, "This sucks a big one! What can I do to help?"
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