I think of you and feel you closer when I smell Mrs. Meyer's Lavendar hand soap. It is a smell of my last days with you....my last days of innocence....my last days of untainted love. It comforts me to smell it....it is not just any lavendar, it must be Mrs. Meyers. Then are times it is too painful to smell, because with that one breath I feel a wave of all that is missing. You, our family, your Papi, the love....you.
Happy Birthday Natalia! Thank you for all the butterflies yesterday :)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
And I Reach Back....
What kind of world do we live in that innocent babies die? That they can be ripped from their Mother's loving arms taking the essence of the Mother with them?
It makes not one bit of sense that DS' Mom is having to experience this pain....she is a good Mom, she brought him in, she let us do all the tests, she comforted at home....and he still died.....and he still died.....
....and another Mother falls into the Babyloss blackhole...will she be able to make it out?
If I were an artist I would have a perfect picture to depict how I see other Babyloss Moms, their relationship to other Babyloss Moms and the journey of losing a child. So since my artistic skills are limited to stick figures let me try to paint it with words...
Picture this.... a single file line of Mothers blindly walking one by one up to the edge a monstrously high cliff....they just keep walking forward...they don't see what's coming....they don't even see the Mother in front of them scream as she falls off the edge into the babyloss abyss....
then down they go, free falling into the darkest of places....at the bottom a dense pile of Mothers who fell before them.....some desperately clawing at the opposite side of the ravine trying to get out....some drowning....some lie there motionless....
But somehow, one or two of them finds the route to climb out from the depths...the make it to the top....they gasp for breath the first time since falling....they made it...part of them wants to run as fast as they can away from the ravine leaving all the pain and darkness behind them....
However something makes them stop....and they turn back...they lean over the edge...reach their hand down....and grab onto the Babyloss Mother that fell after them...help them get their footing...help them start their climb....they offer the hand that only another Babyloss Mom can...
Soon the other Mother is at the top leaning back down to grab the next unfortunate Mom that is in the abyss....and so on and so on....
That is the power of one Babyloss Mom to another....I hope that I can be the hand to reach back for DS' Mom when she's ready to start her climb.....because someone turned and reached back for me.
It makes not one bit of sense that DS' Mom is having to experience this pain....she is a good Mom, she brought him in, she let us do all the tests, she comforted at home....and he still died.....and he still died.....
....and another Mother falls into the Babyloss blackhole...will she be able to make it out?
If I were an artist I would have a perfect picture to depict how I see other Babyloss Moms, their relationship to other Babyloss Moms and the journey of losing a child. So since my artistic skills are limited to stick figures let me try to paint it with words...
Picture this.... a single file line of Mothers blindly walking one by one up to the edge a monstrously high cliff....they just keep walking forward...they don't see what's coming....they don't even see the Mother in front of them scream as she falls off the edge into the babyloss abyss....
then down they go, free falling into the darkest of places....at the bottom a dense pile of Mothers who fell before them.....some desperately clawing at the opposite side of the ravine trying to get out....some drowning....some lie there motionless....
But somehow, one or two of them finds the route to climb out from the depths...the make it to the top....they gasp for breath the first time since falling....they made it...part of them wants to run as fast as they can away from the ravine leaving all the pain and darkness behind them....
However something makes them stop....and they turn back...they lean over the edge...reach their hand down....and grab onto the Babyloss Mother that fell after them...help them get their footing...help them start their climb....they offer the hand that only another Babyloss Mom can...
Soon the other Mother is at the top leaning back down to grab the next unfortunate Mom that is in the abyss....and so on and so on....
That is the power of one Babyloss Mom to another....I hope that I can be the hand to reach back for DS' Mom when she's ready to start her climb.....because someone turned and reached back for me.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Revelation
I realized last week after your Papi went on and on your birthday week about not being able to accept that we do not know for sure why you died, and how he doesn't understand why there are not definitive answers, that I'm ok with that.....WOW! I'm ok that with that?! Or at least I think I am, haha.
As much as I would like to think knowing why would change things....it doesn't. The facts don't change; you are gone....you shouldn't be gone.....and you are gone....
So I can keep searching for answers that will never be available to me on this earth....I can keep one on searching until I'm in Heaven with you....the one place that holds the answers. But I know it won't matter, because I will be with you again....this time forever....and that's ALL that will matter.
As much as I would like to think knowing why would change things....it doesn't. The facts don't change; you are gone....you shouldn't be gone.....and you are gone....
So I can keep searching for answers that will never be available to me on this earth....I can keep one on searching until I'm in Heaven with you....the one place that holds the answers. But I know it won't matter, because I will be with you again....this time forever....and that's ALL that will matter.
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