Learning to Play Crow

I know what Luke is doing today. He is trying to beat his Great Granddaddy in crow. It is this silly game that he played with me and his other grandchildren. We always played crow. I would kneel next to his chair. Granddaddy would hold his hand in a loose fist and then I would trace my index finger around the circle that his thumb and index finger made. I would circle the opening in his fist until I would try to stick my finger in the hole while he tried to catch it. The object was not to get trapped by his hand....the crow per say. I don't even know really why it was called crow, nor did I care as a kid.....I just looked forward to playing crow every time we were together.

I remember I tried so hard to outsmart him, doing circles until I was sure he let his guard down and trying my hardest to be quicker than him. He usually caught me, but I kept trying. I didn't realize it then, but he would let me win every now and then. And of course I would always say, "Let me try to catch you Granddaddy." I would hold my hand while he circled around.....he was very quick. We played this together even now that I am an adult. I regret we didn't play it the last time we were together, but I know I told him how I was going to teach Luke how to play crow, and where I learned it from.

So now that Granddaddy has joined Luke in Heaven I know they have already had many rounds of crow already. Luke sitting in his lap drawing the outline of Granddaddy's hand with his little finger waiting for the perfect moment to test his quickness. I can see the smile on Granddaddy's face as Luke squeals out in laughter as his Great Granddaddy squeezes his finger tightly. What a time those two are having together.

I have always thought I will be reunited with Luke someday in Heaven. I know I will see him again, and we will be together forever. But it was when Vladi said to me the other day, that he is no longer afraid of dying, because it means he gets to be with Luke again....I got it. It clicked. It is not that I wish life away, or are saying I am ready to die, BUT each day that passes brings me one day closer to being with Luke again. I think of every time I've gone on a trip, the excitement during the travel there.....getting there is half the fun, right?! So I might as well enjoy the ride called life, because I know the destination is going to be AWESOME!!

What will never be....

I have officially surrendered to the world of blogging. I guess partly inevitable, but other inspired by other women's blogs that I have seen......really just one woman in particular Carly Marie that has writing a blog about her pregnancy after the loss of her son. I can only hope that I can provide some kind of clarity to myself, and anything other than would be bonus.

It is in moments like these that I don't even know where to start about how I am feeling. My head reels through every emotion, somehow feeling everything and nothing at the same time. I never thought I would be here writing a blog about I am trying to live life without my baby instead of starting this blog to boast about life with a new baby. I should be posting picture after picture of Luke's "firsts" and all our new parent blunders. Sadly that is not my life right now, and it will never be....not with Luke.

My sleepless nights are not caused my crying son, but my mind screaming through that day's thoughts of trying to understand what happened and what I could have done different. Anxiety, fear, sadness, He room remains untouched with all his clothes neatly hanging in his closest. His swing, bouncer, car seat and stroller in the corner of house fully assembled batteries and all.....still waiting for that baby.....still waiting for Luke. It seems absolutely ludicrous sometimes that he will never come home.....we will never hear his voice, we'll never see his smile or the sparkle in his eyes, we'll never hear his laugh, or watch him learn something...anything.

It will be 2 months on Monday.....I should have a 2 month old.......but instead he was dying two months ago today.......